Red Diamond

I’ve had a few conversations with bottles lately,
Not much for talking, but then again I’ve heard that talk is cheap,
an over confident sense of love, perhaps hope where mistrust should be
and, oh honey, dont forget,
remember how he always reminded you that he’s left girls for less…
disregard all the eggshells, heart on the sleeve of your Sunday best
pardon the shoddy lyricism, if you can even call it that for what it’s worth
I can hold my own while I hold the glass and pick up pieces from the dirt

mineshaft

I lost some money on the way to dice,
I lost an octave to the camel lights,
and when I lost you,
I lost some good love and a handsome light,
I lost a friend to my wit, and in my pride I’d rather sit while you drive.

The raw transpose

Beyond a lip reader, not easy to trip the meter
Don’t fight the fact that it’s the fact you fight for what to some may not seem “Right”…
A backwards violin and noise of a jet engine, The only sounds as she takes it all in
Fighting fear with vodka as she ends up dreaming on the carpet
Cat tails on the runway, they pass an empty freight car on the tarmac
As they roll towards the setting sun wondering if she’ll ever get her heart back
Stolen by a boy uncertain, Kept in a box beneath the bed with all the other precious possessions

Barely Twenty Five, Already with laugh lines from all the good times
Bruised ego and a broken heart with heavy scars and some stitches
but she keeps moving forward because the heart keeps ticking

If you don’t know what you want in the first place then keep your hands in your pockets. Don’t reach for the girl who’s steadfast, stubborn and comes with a high tolerance
No shrinking violet, Just misunderstood without a place to call home
Don’t try to hold her hand when you can’t even hold your own
Forever is just an empty promise / I’m not going anywhere is just a lie
And in that case since I asked let me just turn around after handing you the knife

Barely Twenty Five, already laugh lines from all the good times
Bruised ego and a broken heart with heavy scars and some stitches
but she keeps moving forward because the heart keeps ticking

Madness

And I know it’s madness
To play these odds
It’s like giving matches
To paper, to paper dolls…

Why… well it’s obvious..

I’ve got a laundry list of more, if you’re begging the answer you must merely ask…

A valiant effort, a fleeting moment, lost in the span of time, My tenaciousness has failed me yet again, and I’m counting on this second glass of wine to do me in for the night- With an open heart I release the reigns and hope that someday I will see you again.

a darkened stairwell

Circling low they can smell fear dripping from your pores
afraid of a life left in the rubble, nothing but trouble

Dusting off, time to rise up no matter how many times
Don’t want to take this, not time to waste it, again

death walks in to the room, long legs clad in high stilettos
but she wears flats around you so can, you can still feel like I man

you never planned on her, but here she is so what are you thinking
sink or swim, step up to the plate or bail in a different direction

never easy, never convenient, thats just the way this seems to go
when it all boils down you really see what you’re made of

naughty little habits make up my sweet complexion
throwing punches when you cross me, make it up under the sheets

scent of lovers lingers, some massive love induced trip
alone in my room, trace your outline with my fingertips

take off my gloves, fists up for the fight
this is raw, this is real, press on towards the light

her cadence varies, but she never stops walking
time for a little action, I’m rather sick of all this talking

feet on ice, looking for the door
it’s there if you want, take it, I’ll ask nothing more

eye to eye, heart to heart, and so she lets it be
She can’t make you stay, but she’s not asking you to leave…

An anxious repetative thump

This is not the kind of beating in my chest that I like to feel

The wind pulls tugging on heart strings
Rising in the hot air balloon looking for sanity above it all
A leap of faith, instinct if you will
Walk to the edge and let go
Here comes the drums

Little boots

I mean it every time I say it.

Sometimes I say it so I can hear it back..

But I mean it every time I say it.

foggy isle

All I wanted to do was be adored by you…

Breath behind your lips, feel your hot finger tips…

The greatest journey is the distance between two people, they say…

Who exactly are “they” anyway?

I’ll be my own conquest, thank you very much…

She lays wrapped in questions, bathed in insecurity

A plane overhead, not stopping, headed far far away.

Why wont you take her with you. The question is begged.

This vying game is a bit taxing & everlong

How much must one prove affection?

She’s more than you thought you wanted

and some things “Just happen”

the fateful words “I didn’t plan on you

But there she is on your doorstep

it’s fight or flight, the instinctual say..

Is she more than you can handle

Here and there, treading so softly like a whisper on a breeze

She’ll come when he calls, but the gesture is rarely beckoned…

full moons came and went, drinks dull momentarily

Roses lived and died now hung lifeless on the wall

tick-tock tick-tock, it’s always so open ended.

Really?

It’s a bit surreal… It’s very surreal. Ignorance is not bliss, mind you. So pull your head out of your ass and start acting the part. Please and thank you.
The only reaction I can incite is anger, and I’d rather not….

Everything Ends

Told you it was something about spring time… Something about growth, separation, regeneration, shedding skin, keeping ties, reorganizing the external and internal into a symbiotic synchronicity.

My family is not perfect, far from it. Not quintessential. But it was my norm, the ideology that I grew up with, the corner stone of my morality, guidance and support. I grew up with a mother, a father, a brother and two cats all under the same roof. Naturally everyone fights; at times our home was rife with discord and tension. But nonetheless we all loved and had each other when everything else around was falling apart. I formed my theories and ideas of family around this: A house with a mortgage, two cars, some pets, material provisions, support, and home cooked meals. The occasional remodel and not having to move all the time. Roots.

Sometimes I was convinced I was adopted, other times I convinced my brother he was. He bit me, I hit him back harder; he broke my toys, I stole his. He liked power rangers so I dressed up as one. I liked to play dress up so he let me paint his face. We got locked in the playroom until we could get along (read: until we both agreed to shut the fuck up long enough to get out so we wouldn’t have to stare at each other any longer). We went to Disney world, I stepped in a red ant farm, and he was terrified of Chip & Dale – Naturally. Dad went skiing, mom gardened. Dad carried a bottle of crown in his gym bag, mom had prescriptions in her nightstand. I got sent away to grow up faster, my brother got coddled to grow up slower. Everyone gets along, everyone fights.

I remember at times wishing my parents would get divorced so they’d stop fighting, but I didn’t envy my friends having to pick sides and houses when all they wanted was everyone all at once. And when it came down to it, I was glad we were the minority. Together. I remember the dent in the kitchen floor from a rocks glass, that is still there. A faint reminder of the shit-show that apparently is still ever present.

I support the quest for happiness, the endeavor of the individual, the inward journey that everyone has to take at one point or another, constantly or occasionally. But when the foundation for the majority of my life rocks, and falls at all once, the very core is shaken. Now apparently starts the beginning of a massive paradigm shift. Divorce. The word cuts like a knife. Immediate shut down. Finite. Done. An end. We always new the move out prior had no permanence. Dad got a house across the way. Everyone needs space. But surely time apart makes the heart grow fonder, or so we ignorantly want to believe. The only constant in my life is no longer. Physical, mental, & emotional readjustment. No one to be mad at, no point. “This sucks,” is the only thing that comes to mind…

The translation into my own life is weighted and strong, don’t let this affect you and who you are. Holidays, weddings, anniversaries.. it was almost 29 years. What about now, what about moving/life/money, what about, what if, what now. “Everything that was important is falling apart” – when he said those words, my heart broke into a thousand pieces. That he feels like a failure. Always wanting to fix it, I could never figure out how, and I suppose this is the moment where I must admit final defeat & surrender to where the cards have fallen. Separate the deck and stop the game. I guess we all have to admit, understand that it’s not working. Stubborn personalities never like to admit defeat. Waning dedication & commitment. Just seems like the normal course of things, now I question if everything I know is wrong, but don’t let this affect you. And the burning question of “what now”…

I remember it well.

I remember how happy I was in London. Pathetic dribble and dull monotony no more. I will welcome the hellish Heathrow with open arms, and then get the fuck into the city as soon as I can.

Just once

Your words echo in my head, rip at my heart, and its no use to try to say anything anymore. Breaking breaking broken, so I’ll stand outside your door, because you wont let me in and I dont want to go.

How was my day?

Oh thats right, you’ve not asked. No repsonse to my email from last night, could have deleted it for all I know… Happy? No, not really. Why? Lot’s of reasons, none that you care to ask about. Or help seek solution to. I’ve exhausted all my resources and options, and here I am, same spot that I was before. Do I like have “those talks”? Fuck no. Did I think it would help? Hopefully. Easy solutions seem so hard, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why… If you have time to banter with other people and respond online, and reply to txts so on and so forth, why is it so god damn hard for you to take 15 seconds of your busy schedule to ask about me. I’m just as present as anyone else.

I. Want. To. Feel. Wanted. It is honestly that simple. There is no ambiguosity within that statement; no obscure meaning hidden within its depths. An ever shortening acceptable vocabulary that I’m allowed to use. An undeterminded amount of time for your arrival. Numb. I miss my friend… I miss having someone who cared about the trivial shit in my life, who asked about it, who wanted to know about it. I miss having someone repsond to my emails, ask me about me, and not be so egocentric – always telling me about them. Breaking breaking broken heart. Pain makes you stronger right? This is pathetic, I am pathetic.

I am… hanging on because… I hope it will get better, but there are no signs of it. A catalyst for the whole is the coming week, and the past month. My utter stressing of the fact that it is VITALLY important for me and us that I know of a plan to see you next. And have you don’t anything to assure my comfort on that level. No. You are not an expense to me, flights and other financial investments of this relationship are the same as paying off my car, or student loans, or buying groceries, there isn’t anything extra, I do it because it is a neccesity, and I don’t think twice about it. It’s just as important as car insurance, of flyers, or paint. And the lack of effort on your part makes me feel like I don’t matter, the blantant disregard for how important seeing you is to me cuts deep. It’s not that difficult to make plans, to buy a ticket, to make the effort. Fuck, you’re putting Go’s ticket in your pocket, but I’m not important enough to make that kind of investment… TRY HARDER. Please. Or just tell me you don’t have the want/desire/drive/motivation/emotioanl investment to do it. If you don’t care then don’t… just stop making excuses and be real with yourself so you can be real with me…

Do not pass go

I dont know why I try anymore. I dont know what I keep doing wrong. I certainly don’t do anything right except for help with homework, and I do it for 50% the wrong reasons anyway… because its attention. Faux appreciation. I am so sick of crying myself to sleep. You feel like you have these talks all the time, well I cry myself to sleep all the time.

I am not a priority. This isn’t going to work when you’re my priority and I’m your option. I… I don’t feel like you care enough to try hard enough. you’re happy to list all the reason in detail about how you’re going to fuck it up, and then you’re off. Doing just that. I dont know how I can prove anymore that I care and that I’m trying, but nothing makes a difference. I dont believe you will follow through, because you can’t even follow through with yourself. you avoid doing things that you know are good for you, so why on earth would you even be able to devote time for me… I’m stupid to think… anything.. expectations are shit.

I battle constantly with trying to give you enough attention so you wont look elsewhere for it, but I seem to be in a constant struggle with vying for your attention against online moms… random people. Ambien. I flip, I jump, I run circles, and I can’t seem to get more than one word answers. I’m hurt. I’m sad. I’m frustrated. I’m angry. I don’t feel good enough. I don’t feel important. I don’t feel… like you care. Because you say you do, but you don’t show it.

I’m back where I started, alone, wondering why I ever thought to deviate in the first place. You said you’d be stupid to fuck this up, that you’d lose me if you didn’t fly. Well, what’s changed. I’m like a puppy on a leash, I don’t stray and I come when you call. You don’t love me… I’m just helpful, and useful. I’m not angry. I just… I didn’t think I’d be able to go through this again, and here I am. trying to figure out if I can deal with this… You were scared, and I fought for it, I pushed and the only reason was because I saw potential, and here I am slapped in the face because you can’t even make my concerns a conscious decision… I only fight because I believed that there was something more to this… But I’m broken again.

And I can’t do this anymore because all I do is give and I guess I am the type of girl that you just fuck and leave on the floor. At least emotionally… Because I dont feel like I have anything else and I just use myself to give to you, and in doing so I just hope that maybe you’ll… SHOW that you appreciate me. But you’re numb, your stupid fucking drugs make it so you can’t feel anything. And maybe if I took them too we’d be two peas in a pod. We’d be fine, and perfect, and not feeling a thing. But I’d rather be alive and feel anxious and feel like I’m going to die and be scared and be happy and be sad, rather than hiding from it. I’d rather be extreme than placid. Random than boring.

But nothing I do seems good enough and I’m not angry at you for it, it just makes me hate me…

Milkshake on your steps

I got everything I need to do today done before 1pm… Now I’m sitting here and the clock is nearing 4 and I’m wondering what the fuck to do with myself. Maybe go get stuck in traffic. I’m bored with having one sided conversations laced with the occasional one word to one sentence response. It’s really getting on my nerves. I’ll just fuck off until you have someone to say I suppose. Otherwise I feel like a nagging cunt. And no one likes that…

For a while I was always invited to work on projects, it seemed something that was a mutual interest and of mutual benefit to boot. But now I sense that slow and steadily fading away, I’m either a hassle or without benefit or something. Perhaps I have this fear that most are just using me for something. After that, thats been a theme, innit? My previous relationship, my previous “best friend” (which I don’t use the term anymore, “best” friend just is odd terminology anyhow – and apparently rather meaningless) and not to mention the housemate from hell. Hardly what I would call symobiotic and mutually beneficial relationships. But I digress. Point is, I dont feel that wanted sometimes. And it sucks.

As trivial as it sounds – and here goes nothing – you don’t post on my facebook at all anymore, nor comment on anything I post on yours (I reckon this last time was a fluke of some sort), you don’t respond to my emails hardly ever, nor a text message when it seems like you’d always been the one instigating all that in the past. You only call when you’re driving and you only ever drive 10 minutes away most of the time, so I get a good 5 minutes on the phone some days. You rarely say I love you, only after I’ve said it first. But I’m not going to mention any of this to you, becasue I’ve said it once and it doesn’t bear repeating. I’ve said my piece and am relenquishing the need to beat a dead horse. So I’ll spill it here, elsewhere, and your wandering eyes will or wont find it eventually.

I should draw in the sketch book he got me, but I’m sure it will just turn out shit… I dont want to ruin it by fucking up the first page… sort of a thing I have… I dont want to start any projects that I’ll have to pick up and move in the next week. I’ve already got loads of unfinished projects lying around. I want to drive somewhere, but I can’t be aimlessly driving about when I’m trying to save money… fucked… hooves. Plain and simple.

One

I open this up and wish I could express how I’m feeling lately. But every time I try to put something in to words, it never comes out right. What do I have to do? Because nothing seems to be working…

Actions may speak louder than words, but when words are all you have they cut deep.
“you dont care how I feel?”
“When it comes to my friends that directly impact me, no i do not.”

Why does this feel all too familiar sometimes…
I feel as if I have to put on a display of epic proportions at times to garner any sort of attention, unless I’m needed for something. Ever closer to the door, holding breath and holding out. Feeling as if it’s as elusive and everlong as it has ever been.
I love. I love, not because I need to, but because I want to. People seem to have such a hard time distinguishing the difference between those two. Pushing the envelope will only you get you so far. You can only bite the hand that feeds you so much.
I admire people for not being alike, for being true to themselves and speaking their minds. I aspire to keep myself true to my soul and my individuality that is simply by being me. With this admiration comes the understanding that no two people are (hopefully) alike. Ergo, no two people will react to any situation the same. With an open mind and awareness you can observe and digest these different scenarios, internalize them and conclude whether they are fact or fiction, and chose to keep or let go. Having nothing to lose and everything to gain. What harm came come from a new perspective, absolutely nothing. You still have the creative license and right to maintain your previous thoughts and opinions or now the gained ability to alter and expand.
Pride is an evil passion; spawned of insecurity and fuel by fear. The hardest critic we have to face is ourselves, the most difficult task we’ll ever have to undertake is to look inside and acknowledge what we’re really feeling…

Music overtakes me and I drift off into a sea of oblivion… I need to be alone…

Written Sept 5th, 2007

My brain started going a million miles an hour last night and I was up till 2 in the morning last night trying to get everything out before I lost my train of thought. Some people know I’m a astronomy/philosophy/science dork and I think discovery channel is the best thing since the cats. (this bounces are A LOT, sorry if you can’t follow, you might have to read it a few times) Currently I am perched in my stairwell because this is the only place I get decent internet reception from the neighbors (Thanks, whoever you are!)

And so it begins

The big bang theory (aside from creationism, the main theory (and scientific theory) on how our universe was created. Then to accompany that there is also the quantum theory of the “big-bounce” (read about it here). Basically the Big-Bounce theory insinuates that the universe was created through the big bang, the universe starts expanding at an exponential rate for billions of years (Laymen’s Terms: the raisin bread baking theory, Look it up, I can’t find my book). Gradually the universe’s expansion slows, and slows until it stops, THEN, it starts to contract, slowly at first, then faster and faster, with billions of galaxies hurtling at one another at an unthinkable speed when the universe finally “comes together” colliding in mass chaos this creates another “big bang.” and *poof* we start all over again and it happens in another however-many billion years (Like a yo-yo almost).. The Big Bounce theory is that this will happen infinitely.

If you think about it (we’ll exclude how life was created in the first place) which each subsequent “bang” there must have been some microorganism from which life has to spawn. [You could, however, think that with each “bang” life just starts over from the very beginning of time, but in some ways that is the definition of insanity. But I’ll get to that later].

So, MY theory (and it’s mine b/c I’ve never read, heard, seen it before) is as follows. So, we (obviously) evolve over the course of this particular universe’s lifetime, via adaptation/evolution (cloning, scientific manipulation, what have you). So if with each episode of the universe we keep spawning from a more and more evolved organism, we actually might be making some progress at a faster rate in regards to evolution.
OR (Another random tangent of thought) we could start each evolution process from some extreme organism such as a exteremomophiles (noted: hyperthermophiles, barophile, lithoautotroph, & endolith) or something such as the prehistoric sharks that have been found on the ocean floor un-evolved for millions of years. In that case, in which these organisms have hardly evolved over the course of this universe… we’re, bluntly so-to-speak, fucked.

BUT, if this is NOT the case, then we evolve more and more each time the universe contracts and starts over, and since there is basically no such thing as de-evolution (only adaptation for survival) we get a “head start” with each passing big bang.
Now here is where it starts to get weird, if it hasn’t already…. If this is true (that we change with each episode) it seems likely that we are NOT apt to make the same mistakes again (basically, to have a the universe be stuck on repeat like a broken record). This really all depends on if the big-bounce theory is correct (but we’ll really never know. Because, if in the even that we DO figure it out, that the space is contracting and the world will end in a catastrophic BANG, all information documenting it will be destroyed, duh).

Upon thinking about this more, maybe this is possibly where the idea of reincarnation comes from (I don’t know how or why, but it some way it makes sense in my head damnit). If we’re all basically “recycled” atoms and other various particles from the previous universe, a chemical/anatomic make up of something prior, in some wacky way that could possibly explain deja vu and the whole feeling of “I’ve been here before.” (THOUGH – that would mean that we would have to life each life the same as before, maybe you don’t only live once).

Entertain the idea, that maybe you are able to tap into that “memory bank”/electrical impulse/DNA/instinct, whatever you want to call it. You could be (POSSIBLY) able to alter your life plan and live differently each time. This could account for dreams & visions of past lives. as a plant/animal/rock/sentient being/ or another human. If this could be correct, essentially we all are a part of each other. This could be an explanation of a certain energy of people to feel such an interconnectedness with all living and non-living things & as well as the universe; because we’ve all collided and separated millions if not billions of times prior throughout light years of space for eternity. [also to be duely noted, astrobiology, the study of microbial life on other planets and its commonality due to extremophiles, Rare earth hypothesis is interesting too]

That basically is a more spiritual (or just crazy) take on it because certainly not everyone (at all) feels connected to everything in some way. It would be quite an amazing concept to wrap your head around if your entire body, your entire essence is composed of a a piece of everything in this entire universe. And yes, I’m not retarded, there are these things called Atoms… and yes scientifically we are all a part of each other and everything via atom particles. But beyond that, possibly smaller particles than that which make up atoms or make up the parts which make up atoms.

Now, if we don’t kill ourselves in the process of using the Large Hadron Collider for particle acceleration maybe one day we can break down life to an even more raw from than the atom. For all I know this could be the epiphany for life. To the naked ear it sounds fucking crazy and I’m not a scientist so I have virtually nothing to back this up. Maybe someone has already proven me wrong, or testing any of these theories would take decades if not thousands of years so its not like I am going to be around to see the results. Either way its just my non linear thinking.

(And now, even more eccentric thinking) So, if we DO relive each cycle as same as the last, and DO build a particle accelerator each time, what if the Big Bang Theory is just a malfunction of the particle accelerator creating a black saturn? THIS could stop the universe from infinitely expanding, make it slow down, stop, and begin to contract. Since a black saturn is an black hole that is reinforce by a saturn like ring (thus the term: Black Saturn) which makes it virtually indestructible it would swallow the entire universe… [unless of course the Hawking’s Radiation theory, by Mr. Steven Hawking himself, is correct: which entertains the idea that a black whole can just evaporate without causing harm, but to my knowledge this theory doesn’t account for the creation of black saturns…]

At the “end” of the universe (what exactly would that look like anyway? I’ve always pictured it’d be a white dimensionless space, like that room in Willy Wonka when they try to transport themselves from one part of the lab to the other. Just White, but black would be more logical since it is the absence of light and color…) Anywho, at the “end” of the universe, it would (logically) implode on itself with such a great force as to create, once again, the big bang. So much energy (the whole universe) in one place would seemingly erupt into some sort of extreme super nova unlike anything we’ve ever seen before creating the universe as we know it… again. And with this.. you just rinse and repeat.

NOW, we have some philosophy coming into the mix here, the theories of determinism vs. free will. The big-bounce theory would correspond with the theory of determinism [see hard determinism] (one of the pioneering philosophers of this theory was Immanuel Kant), meaning: our lives are all pre-determined for us (thus stating – which I don’t agree with – we shouldn’t have to take responsibility for anything, but thats a whole other can of worms I wont go into today) therefor we are destined to experience the big-bounce theory by creation of the Large Hadron Collider (Particle acceleration) and that would just be the way it is, nothing we could do about it.

The other side of that theory is the theory of free will [see: incompatablism/moral responsibility], this would go along with the idea that WE create our own destiny, back to the idea of possibly remembering past lives, deja vu, and being able to alter our life with each passing episode. I personally fall more along the lines of a compatablist, entertaining the idea that quite possibly things, people and events happen for a reason, and there are certain events, places, people and experiences that you are destine to go through and you WILL go through, but how you get there is your choice & the decisions that you make. (Awareness).

Then again, maybe we can all just accept that we know nothing about everything and work on treating each other and this life with respect. God knows we haven’t even been able (as a general society/species) to accomplish even that. A transcendental and symbiotic relationship with life is so simple yet so damn difficult for us as a whole to grasp let alone accomplish. Utopian Anarchy is impossible. All you can ask for is to be surrounded by loving, honest, & positive like-minded beings who inspire you to create yourself and grow in a direction that is positive for you & everyone that you come in contact with in this life.

Invisible

What makes us continually try? Something innate in our personality type that keeps the both of us persuing a (lost?) cause. “I’m bad for you” they say, followed up by “you don’t deserve me,” yet another excuse. We’re not here because there is no other option, we’re here because we want to be, because we choose to be, we chose you. So get over the fact that you don’t think your worth it and man up to the privledge that you have come across. We know our worth, we know what we deserve, and we both know we’re really not getting it either, but for some reason we stay. Not because of a need to be with someone, or be entertained, or to avoid being alone. It’s a conscious choice. So make your choice conscious too… I love you therefor I will DO, I will not try, I will do.

I’m on the brink, on the fence, I am atonamous and self sufficient. I need to start putting more energy back into myself, because that way I will get energy back too. To maintain my wholeness and happiness is paramount because that way, regardless of what happens I will be able to stay the course and remain a whole and seperate entity from anyone and anything around me. I’m all too willing to bend over backwards for even a glimpse of attention, a hint of praise, a whisper of recognition.

If you do this, then I’ll do that. Bullshit. I did this, and there was no that. So now I’m left with my unmet compromise, empty handed and alone in my own space. Like an idiot. If you get your own place, I’ll visit you… cant really help but see the blazing inaccuracy in that statement.

shit… or get off the pot, please. I love you, but I need something stronger. If that is something you’re able to provide than this can work. I will be steadfast, I will be loyal, I will be supportive and kind, I will be the best thing that ever happened to you. If not, I love you and I wish you the best. But I cannot give any more in this condition. I want to, and I keep trying to, and It’s starting to take away every part of me again, and I cannot consciously continue down that road.

I close my eyes on the dance floor and forget about you…
So what do you want and what are you thinking? Isn’t it about time you stuck up for me?
But what you can’t see is we’re under siege, and I only fight because I believe…
This time baby, I’ll be bulletproof…

2,771

A Circ De Soleil class act, but only kept on the bench. So this is the feeling. Remote, instatiable, unrecogonizable. Everyone extention of my being… invisible.

I feel…

(Because you’re supposed to use ‘I feel’ statements, right?) that my feelings have been hurt a lot lately. That 50% of what I say goes in one ear and out the other. That how I feel means nothing and is overlooked because… I dont know… I feel quazi-rejected, inadvertantly pushed aside, and it always seems to be the times when I am opening myself up the most, at my most vulernable moments. I feel that the harder I try, the father I am pushed away. The more I open up, the more I am ignored. The more I try to grow and learn in tandem, the more I end up alone. And I can even begin to explain how horrible that makes me feel and how much it hurts. And when I try to say something, it’s not important enough to be acknowledged. I don’t want any presents, I don’t want any I love you’s, I just want the little things… back.

Ratava

Yes you talk to me all the time, we talk all the time, and I am in no way denying that. And I love it. But do you listen to me… is the question… Do you take interest and ask questions if it doesnt involve work or me being irritated with something… I feel like I have to offer up everything because it’s never asked about, to just dump myself out on the floor infront of you and let you pick and chose which pieces to pay mind to and notate. So I’m left here. Open. On the floor. I would like to think that I am an interesting person enough to warrant some attention to detail. If I am incorrect in this assumption please let me know…

I recall the reason I get annoying and bored with just about anyone, is self absorption, so maybe I too am being selfish, but right now this is how I feel and it is valid and mine. I own it, and maybe I’m just fucking off inside this little head of mine…

I’ve spent the entire day alone today. Took car out to the lighthouse by mine, wandered around on the beach after a good 10 minutes of trying to figure out where to park and leave my car since I was without permit on government property. Hazard signals are useful when it comes to parking illegally. Wandering around the beach with a few others, politely minding our own businesses and steering clear of each others company. The fog danced amid the trees from where I came and the tide gently massaged the rocks along the shore into their rounded shapes. Someone had attempted a drift wood fort, which was rather unsuccessful. Sadly the lighthouse was covered up for preservation construction or something that I can’t quite find the right words to explain. Whatever they do to told things to keep them standing… This and that, bits and bobs, and then the every trying experiment to hold the camera out of the car (all the while trying not to drop it when you’re going 30) and take decent photos when you have no idea whats in the frame of the view finder.

Old places. New memories. Quiet ones. Me, myself & I strolling about the water soaked grass. Back down by the tracks there were some old cars, and a few freights with “decent” photos. Nothing like the gallery that has passed by some days. I bet everyone who works at the yard takes all that amazing (some of it is really not that amazing… terrible actually) art for granted. Then off to downtown…

I’ve always wanted to go to a movie alone. It’s been on my to do list for years and years now for some reason. I have no idea why. I often find that I enjoy the solace of being by myself in large crowds of people… Though sometimes people interpret that as an open invitation to try to start a conversation and I am puzzled by that; just because someone is alone doesn’t mean they’re lonely and looking for someone to be around… and mostly likely it’s certainly not you. I’ve never seen a movie as the one I saw, the onslaught of visual stimulation was amazing and I reckon I’ll have to see it quite a few more times to be able to glean half of the information from it. Definitely a great movie to watch alone. It worked our great too because it’d apparently just been released yesterday and the theater was rammed full of people, hardly a space to sit, and if you came late, as I did, and were coupled up, as I wasn’t, you were properly fucked to get a good seat. Fortunately right smack in the center of the teared seating was a single seat situated with a petite woman on one side and a man that was compensating for her lack of mass with his on the other. This is where I sat myself, and then I watched.

I left feeling inspired and artsy. And now I’m sitting at my computer doing this, which I guess is okay because its a least some form of creative expression (or venting) depending on how you look at it. And I never know how to end these, but it’s cold in my room, so I’m going to go turn the heated up and slink back onto the sidelines.

Roots

If stupid things have the ability to happen, they will… I wonder how much a new bumper is. Reaffirmations of assumptions. I’m having a hard time drawing the line between being understanding and making exceptions… Tears obfuscate the space where clarity should reign. Or is that love? Sharing such a small space that seems eternally large. Matters of the heart have the power to encompass everything. I’m trying. I’m doing. I’m taking the brunt. Brute strength is a powerful resource or a deadly weapon. Building walls, breaking borders, waiting patiently, holding out, its supposed to rain for the next 5 days. Dont take a punch while your mouth is open. A fist hits harder than a beer can.

Stupid bitch needed the camera tonight so I wasn’t able to take it. So much for my master plan.

Islands

I have a bad habit of overlooking things that more often than not annoy me or dip slightly below my own standards… I don’t like to “complain” or “be needy” because I have the capacity to do everything that I need on my own. To give myself everything I need by myself, material and otherwise… I guess it just reaffirms that regardless of how much you give or get you still need to be able to draw most everything from within… At least I do. It’s how I’ve gotten this far and how I’ll keep going. But don’t think that I’m pushing you away, when you’re the one that I’ve kept closest

I have cabin fever, I find myself search flights every day to random destinations… Greece, Angkor, the given locale of Baltimore, Cook Island, Tunisia, Kyoto… anywhere but here. I feel trapped. Monotony will be the death of me. I thrive with a few particular constants, but its mostly change, new, outside of my comfort zone, being vulnerable, feeling free and to my own devices… Just new…

But at the same time… I some how still feel like this

Here it comes

Exclusion…

Nothing interesting happened today. I drove by a motorcade of cops on my way to the press check. Which was annoying… as it always is… At least I had beer for lunch, it helped a little… Stag to the company christmas party… OH JOY! I’ll go for a little I suppose. Show up, stand there looking smart. And probably leave shortly thereafter… 11pm on the 25th can’t come too soon.

I wish I could mute ****, it would make my life so much nicer. Must you talk so fucking loud (as well as your music) and leave every light on in your wake? Fucks sake please just… stop breathing.