One day, you’ll wake up before her and offset this delicate balance. she’s spinning, tonight, alone in her bed. It might be the room. It might be her mind. And to be frank, it might be the wine. Racing around in circles, asking herself questions that only you can answer; questions she’s not totally sure she wants the answers to. She lived in ignorant bliss for the last go around, she’d like to think she’s past that now. Reservations and cautiousness act as emotional checks and balances when it’s too hard to face the places your heart returns too. Maybe now you’ve crossed oceans and traversed the globe, the lesser things wont be as daunting. Perhaps your feet might thaw now that you’ve seen the rest of it isn’t so hard.

They always say these types of things are rarities and should be coveted in the unlikely chance they’re come across. She stares at the ceiling watching shapes form and move across for as long as she can refrain from blinking. Nostalgia creeps at the odd hours of the night, through the sheets and into her ears, tugging at the insides of her chest. Scent barely lingers on the pillow case and I only want to eat pizza because it reminds me of you.

It’s easier when you’re gone but it’s harder when you’re away.

I’m so good at poking holes in all my own theories, I’d hate for you to do it for me.

I saw you next to the pillar past the double sliding doors, looking lost among a sea of slowing moving cars. You were on the phone with me. I caught your eye and we drove off into the familiar grey, nerves crackling like the bag of gummy bears you were opening in my passenger seat.

I’m so good at filling my head up with doubt, but it’s hard for me to do when you’re lying here next to me. We slowly inch our bodies closer together until we’re supporting each others weight with our own. Politely testing the boundaries of comfort, reservations and familiarity.

Sometimes you don’t realise how much you miss something until you have it again. I’ve done a very good job at putting you in a tiny, locked box in the recesses of my chest cavity until lately. Perfecting the art of forgetting. Seems we both have, however untenable it’s been.

I don’t sleep as well as I do when I’m next to you.

I should have known you’d delay your plane again. You excuses sound legitimate and look bulletproof. Maybe it’s different this time, and you mean it. Track records and visceral reactions are hard to forget, but I’m really trying. I am really trying this time.

EDIT: I actually made a track out of this. I’ll post it… someday.
Someone get this heart off my sleeve
It’s too bad you’re just what I need

You have a way you come and go
It’s getting harder just to keep control

There’s no rest for me tonight as I try to find my way

I know all the games you play
Cause I play them too
Never be the first to say it
We leave no proof

Like a drug coursing through my veins
I can’t fight it, there’s no escape

as the sun starts to come up I’m coming down again

She listens to you talk about people you’ve know who’ve broken up… How they’re just not right for each other. And she prays to a god she doesn’t believe in that you don’t think that about the two of you. She thinks of how irrational she must be to carry on in this manner. Hope and amnesia negates history repeating, a temporary panacea for this disease.

I just told you my birthday, again. To put it down in your calendar or phone, again. But chances are we wont be speaking by then, again. When you find something to blame me for, again. So it doesn’t really matter anyway, this time.

I don’t like wondering if you think I’m funny, or if you think I’m pretty, or if you even like speaking to me. But you keep talking in my direction so I tell myself you must, or you simply like the sound that the keyboard makes as it resonates off the walls of your room.

I can’t help but wonder if this is all an elaborate ruse to reverse the effects of whatever events lead up to the slight deflation of your ego. Subterfuge at it’s finest. Memories you’ve so methodically and carefully chosen to play on like a sad, sad song. Your timing is uncanny, your precision immaculate as the pendulum swings across the playing field with it’s constant upheaval of balance.

And yet, I sit and wonder, still…

Pulling me under was easy
the clock begins to count down loudly
As you start to fade away

Wasting into yesterday
All these moments frozen in time
Reaching out into nothing, again

Fade away
Fade away into me
Fade away

Lost inside your ways
You made it so easy to falter
But don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine

We were destined for a fall
I predicted we’d lose it all
It’s so heavy to learn that I was right

Fade away
Fade away into me
Fade away

we pushed before we pulled
and now it’s too far away
we’re never going to get back, get back, get back

I learned your evil ways
you saw my darkest days
It’s not safe to stay here anymore

Fade away
Fade away into me
Fade away

Sitting in front of telephone pole 1374848. For the past 30 minutes feeling the sun set across my face. By the train tracks trying to avoid you but looking for you at the same time. I try to run from the thoughts in my head but they follow me relentlessly like sharks to chummed water. If I could just calm my head for a moment I’d be okay but these thoughts come one after another, breaking upon my consciousness like waves onto the shore. Persistent and determined to remind me with each pulse they create. I can feel my heart beating heavy and see my fingers trembling on the steering wheel I’m pathetically holding onto as if it will bring some sort of salvation. Cheeks are hot with sunlight and saline and I find myself holding breath as it stays my mind but only momentarily because at some point I have to take another and feel it all again.

I’ll provide the the flame.
While you provide the cold shoulder.
Demons in your head came to call.
And I felt you move a little closer.

quit doing this to yourself…

I had a dream about you last night.

Your sister posted a photo of her and your new bird. Shortly after, a photo of her and I standing in front of that lake we had dinner next to that one night. The night I chased the laser pointer and ended up smacking you in the chest. Sorry about that. The photo was of her and I under an umbrella, the sky was grey and misting, but the trees in the background a vibrant green. My face was partially obscured by the end of the photo.

She commented, ‘Sometimes I really miss her.’
Your response was ‘…Me too, but you know what umbrellas mean, it means it always rains.’
‘You should talk to her’
‘Yeah, I want to. Maybe soon.’
Then your older sister added ‘What? I thought you two had worked your shit out.’

Basically, I am not sure what the hell any of this means, other than it’s the first well remembered dream I’ve had in some time. I see you watching silently in the wings. Anticlimactic. So you’ll either say something soon, or I’m subconsciously hoping you will. But if you do, you probably wont until you find a way to blame me for it later.

October 3rd, 2011
I had another dream about you, yet I’m beginning to liken them more to nightmares the more time passes by. If you’d kindly fuck off on every realm of consciousness I think I’d appreciate that. Two is two too many.

We were in an a house somewhere near where you live. Barely furnished, and the sun was down. There was an older sofa in the living room having a stand off with a 70’s style tube tv on a small entertainment center. Two lamps dimly illuminated the room to reveal something along the lines of a massage table in the back left corner.

You’d picked me up from somewhere because I’d needed you and we’d laid down on the sofa together to watch some irrelevant tv program. You had your arms around me. Then you abruptly left to the other side of the room without an explanation and went to bed, leaving me there alone in a strange room. Refusing to respond to any inquiry as to why you weren’t staying on the sofa, pretending to be asleep. I remember being angry and feeling vulnerable.

I was irritated when I woke up. Thanks for ruining that morning, shithead.

“It may have been her… I was high on coke and she looked skinnier at the time…”