A good conversation last night sparked a thought that has consumed a better part of the day. Fish.
I make a conscious choice to stop eating meats (Chicken, Beef, Pork, etc. etc.) but not fish. Rather, I fell into the habit of not eating it because when I moved in with my ex years ago he was strictly vegetarian. Not because he forced it on me either but because I didn’t see the point in keeping a flat of fish in the fridge when I was to be the only one to eat it. I think part of it might have been a security thing, lacking an identity so I was more apt to confirm to the ideas of someone else? I don’t know about the second one, but I know that it just happened.
Its also been stated (in one such case I’ve been sent) that your body wont get sick from eating meat again if you start. I found this interesting b/c I had become to believe the opposite. Clearly its not permanent, but I thought it took a while to adjust in either direction. I’ve seen it vary on a case by case basis as well. I think I’ve come to the understand that everyone just reacts different to it.
I don’t know that I’d start eating fish again, the idea makes me a bit squeamish, but its just something that’s been pondering all day. I’ve become steadfast in my beliefs as a vegetarian but I never stopped to question myself as to why I stopped eating fish… It’s inspired me to be more diligent in the information I seek out when making decisions on things in my life.

Fish… weird.

1!

Timestamps would reveal the winner, but they were mysteriously absent even in my searching for them.
Much ado about nothing earlier tonight, I let myself get the best of myself. Yes, that makes perfect sense…
Another 6 hours or so again. “Fucckkkk yyyyoouuuu! and your chats.” Well you wouldn’t still be up partaking in one unless you wanted to be, yes? Trying each other on for size with questions about the past: How many… And, how many of them hate you now? A playful conviction of the other as having a ‘heartbreak club’ awaiting a refuting response with acceptable evidence. A little bit more open.
The fact that I ‘don’t have enough mass’ will not stop me from a surprise flying tackle from nowhere, I’ll just need to brush up. 9am and birds come calling. Previous temptation with beer in exchange for a tour, an evening of Wheelbarrows, Gin & Tonic, and Peep Show.

Anticipation, Nervous excitement, craving sushi… Breathe. Tomorrow we work on colors.

lately i find myself
amazed at all around me
everything i see
like all of life’s ablaze with light
that suddenly i see, only now i see
the wonder, the wonder of it all
wonder everywhere, more than we know
heaven’s not up there, but on earth below
don’t know if god exists
but there’s some magic out there
so much we’re not aware
and then sometimes suddenly i hear
a harmony sing, of each and everything
the wonder, the wonder of it all wonder everywhere
more than we know heaven’s not up there, but on earth below

Is one of the most beautiful things I’ve heard. Stuck on repeat…
Crazy people go to Bulgaria on the weekends, they also end up stuck in a hip-hop room serving drinks to people who don’t need them in any way, shape or form.

I find it remarkably interesting how things find YOU when you least except it. I was saying to myself ‘oh I’m over it, done, etc. etc.’ all the “right” jargon to convince myself (kind of) and others that I was. It wasn’t until shortly after New Years that it hit me like I always knew it would. You just STOP feeling it. I was alone and I knew it, and it was finally okay, and it feels great. Voluntary solitude does wonders for the mind. I went out that Friday night expecting to have a good time, which is exactly what happened, it was a great time actually. Though the last place I expected to run into someone with whom I share so many common threads.
It’s a rush; these feelings. Interesting.

Beyond that, I’m happy. I wake up, and I’m excited about my day, I have a slight smile the whole way to my classes and the same one on the way back. Occasionally I’ll have a thought that strikes audible laughter, though I am sure it cannot be heard between the rush of cars down the freeway, and the noises of city life.

It’s nice to feel alive again. More creative than I’ve ever been, seeing influence in so many new things, it’s as if I’ve opened my eyes again for the very first time.

Transatlantic dinners are normal…. right?

Meh, here goes nothing.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
soooo……. I’m trying something different.

Looking at the blood spattered in a delicate array at the bottom of a sink, while the ethereal strings of a violin move around and through me and the piano dances gently upon my ears. I want to wake up, I am convinced that this is a cruel, cruel dream. Hard pressed to find another time where I’ve encountered anything like this before.

Throw these thoughts into the bushes in a fit of rage.
Less than a moose, but closer to neon white teeth.

“I remember thinking, my teeth never look that fucking white”

This fascination is turbulent and brooding, there is nothing sweet about it nor wicked. 3 Halves, its allowed. So I’ve been told.

Wanted to move this off another site onto here. So… yes… here.

The Little Things
while trying to remain removed

around and around we spin
a significant existence within such insignificant space

what is all this for?
a greater good
a deeper love
a better understanding of each other

communicate without words
without egos
without fear

reaching inward
letting go of preconceived notions
of people
of places
of you

an open mind will encounter endless pleasant surprises

running through my head
timelessness suspends my mind
cognitive nostalgia

love what you fight for
fight for what you love
right is on the inside

love
in the end we are all the same

I WILL get the study abroad program.
I will move to London for a little while.
I WILL make it happen.

I win.
I’m good at this game.
I’ve played it for a very long time.

I wanted to steal a wheelbarrow tonight.
Stonehenge will be mine!

This is amazing music to wake up to. I must have him finish these tracks!
Goosebumps.
I’ve woken up happy for the first time in a long time the last couple days.
I usually wake up complacent, rather ambivalent.

“Throw your emotions in the air, you’re free if you want to be”

As I said it in recent moments:

“I win
It’s my favorite Game
And I’m really good at it”

********
I’m naked
I’m numb
I’m stupid
I’m staying
And if Cupid’s got a gun, then he’s shootin’

Lights black; heads bang
You’re my drug
We live it
You’re drunk, you need it
Real love, I’ll give it
So we’re bound to linger on
We drink the fatal drop
Then love until we bleed
Then fall apart in parts

You wasted your times
On my heart
You’ve burned
And if bridges gotta fall, then you’ll fall, too

Doors slam
Lights black
You’re gone
Come back
Stay gone
Stay clean
I need you to need me
So we’re bound to linger on
We drink the fatal drop
Then love until we bleed
Then fall apart in parts

Now we’re bound to linger on
We drink the fatal drop
Then love until we bleed
Then fall apart in parts

This is so weird, so strange. I’ve not met anyone like this in… well.. Probably 5 years would be the most accurate estimate. Its so incredibly stupid in some ways, and possibly a twist of chance in others. Maybe it was just good timing. The only thing I know is that my curiosity has been peaked, and I am absolutely fascinated by this creature. Its like… it feels electric. Entertaining the idea that we might possibly explode with kinetic force and energy if we were ever in 5 feet of each other again.
Probably the most artistically inclined being I’ve personally come across in my life, its rather jaw dropping and I’m having a hard time even believing its real.
Having the pleasure of being let in to personal projects, sensitive information. Almost to tears in one, it was insanely powerful. And interesting gesture on the part of another.
The exchange is phenomenal. Hilarious.
I don’t know what is going on, but I do know that I like it.

I didn’t need anyone else, because I had him.
I didn’t care what anyone else had to say, because I had him.
It made no different what anyone thought, Because I had him.
Masking insecurity in a relationship probably. Defining myself by the success of it.
It was so long ago, funny how I’m finally realizing it now.

I am selfish to a point, aren’t we all? Self preservation is instinctual.

I wonder why I waste time on people who aren’t willing to waste some on me. Who’s acceptance I have to work for, rather than have a symbiotic bond with. Someone I feel I have to win over. I have a need to have everyone like me, I know this because I can pick it up easily in others and envy the lack of that attribute in the rest. Why I willing go back to people who have burned me before. What do I gain from it? Some sense of accomplishment when I go for an undetermined amount of time without rocking the boat?
Why the fuck would anyone do that? It seems ridiculous. Clearly, it is.

Change isn’t instantaneous. Evolution. Maybe there is some lag time between my realizations to my implementation process. Or maybe that’s just normal. Typically of me to assume something is broken. Not bad, just a noted pattern that should be broken.
I’m going to be alright, at least I’ll tell myself that. Change is painful and this hurts like hell. I can just hold on to the hope that beyond all this bullshit and turmoil there is something positive on the other side. The Flipside.

I want to get to a point where I will be able to accept and be okay with parting ways. Where I realize I’ve done nothing wrong, there have simply been conflicts of interests or bad connections. Revolving doors.

Some days are better than others.

First off, I’m not and never have taken advantage of you in any situation involving school. you need to understand that this is the THIRD time you’ve done this to me (IE: Pulled my tuition and prevented me from getting an education), and I personally thought that a parent’s job was to support their kids in getting an education, not take one away from them.

Secondly, I NEVER asked you guys to pay off my credit card, never ASKED you to buy furniture for the new place, or pay my rent, never ASKED you to pay for school this time around either. You OFFERED, and I accepted, so how can I be taking advantage of something that you OFFERED to me? I never expected any more, I never expected you to do it in the first place. So I do resent the fact that I hear that you are calling me scandalous in more words than that.

Thirdly, I had NO intention of even thinking about asking you to “help me out” with my debt or whatever expenses I incurred on this trip. Or any subsequent debt since you OFFERED to pay off my credit card. The laptop was a miscommunication and I never ONCE put up ANY argument when you told me it was my responsibility since I dropped it and broke it.

It honestly doesn’t weigh on me whether you supported the trip I just took or even thought it was a good idea. With all due respect, it was My choice because it is MY life, and the progress that I made personally, emotionally AND educationally from leaving for Europe for a week was priceless and I regret absolutely nothing of it. I’m sorry if you do not share my sentiments or subscribe to my theory, that is your choice and I respect that, but you must respect mine as well.

I took the trip and made sure I was back in time for school. Have been planning to and WILL be pulling extra shifts at the nightclub to recoup for financial expenditures for my trip overseas. I have calculated my options and made decisions based on that. And I am an adult, ergo I do not see a need or obligation for me to fill you in on every detail or plan of my life. I would consider that a privilege and an accommodation that I chose to open up to you like that.

I could understand your reasoning for pulling tuition and discontinued support if I was addicted to meth and failing miserably at school or partying uncontrollably and not using my time wisely. But last time I checked which was ummm… just now. I’m NOT addicted to meth, or crack, or coke or whatever else you could possibly fathom I could get into. I am NOT getting bad grades. Unless you consider a 3.73 GPA for fall semester poor form. I’m not partying all the time or wasting my time whatsoever. Though my life and careers revolve around the nightlife, just because I go out to a club does not by ANY means mean that I am disgustingly drunk and sick the next morning.

I was not aware at any time that your financial support through school was contingent upon me approving my personal plans through you. I do not see how you can distort this scenario in the way that it has been and think that I have made a bad choice. The recent trip in no way has retroactively affected the financial situation of my schooling, nor will it. If I had chosen not to tell you, you would be none the wiser and things would have continued on as planned, uninterrupted. My intention in telling you my plans to leave for Europe was to (hopefully) try to shed some light on my personal life to you, which clearly did not happen.

I feel that you do not trust me to make my own decisions, and are fervent in the belief that YOU know what is best for ME. Which is a theory that I strongly disagree with. I believe that I have given no grounds for your discontinued support and that you pulling the rug out like this is unjustified and moreover, vindictive. I would hope that you will be able to see at some point that I am not one to waste my time or make poor decisions.
If you feel that you would rather no longer support me, that is your choice and I will respect that. My frustration lies in the fact that I had everything all ready and planned out to attend Uni in the fall of 2008, and it was to be done on my own. I never asked for you to pay my tuition, but you stepped in and offered your financial support. Upon acceptance of your support and the mutual understanding that I no longer needed to apply for student loans or other financial aid, I declined those external financial support systems under the pretense that with good educational work ethic and grades to demonstrate that, I would have your continued support. If there was any foreshadowing that this situation would come up for a third time, I would have declined your help from the very start and sorted all of this out on my own.
Unfortunately now, I am not able to do so and face dropping out of school, and possible eviction from my apartment (mind you I spent a total of $125 of my own while over seas, so I had no money for rent to begin with, so either way I would have been screwed -for lack of a better word- had you done this without me traveling) being forced to drop out of school will set me back an entire year. Which I had done everything in my power to avoid, this would be educationally devastating to me, considering that I thoroughly enjoy school as well as excel in my studies and classes.

I do not have anything else to say. I feel our relationship has been reduced to a business transaction so I will treat it like one. As my parents, I would hope that you would be able to understand that I am not, in fact (to some peoples disbelief) an idiot, and I DO know how to make decisions that will benefit myself and my situation. It is very disheartening that I feel you cannot trust me to make good choices for myself, but instead cloak your conversations with me in doubt and judgment. If this is how our relationship is going to be (which it has been for a very long time, dating back to the point where I would say I wanted a horse when I was older, and being told it was an irrational dream b/c they were too expensive and I would not be able to afford one) I will opt out of having one. I chose to surround myself with people who support my goals and dreams (though big as they may seem) and push me to grow as a person and take steps that only I might understand to do so. I’ve come to the understanding that family does not always exist within the boundaries of blood but rather by the relationship you have with people, regardless of relation.

Regards.

Its nice to have one. I can hold it all to myself and smile on the inside. Perhaps its stupid, even the thought. Sometimes it seems as if I put myself in impossible situations because they are, in fact, impossible. Creates a level of comfort I suppose, comfort with distance… Cheers living life the way *I* want to live it. After all, who’s life is it anyway?

Sometimes you just have to roll the Dice

This is why I try to avoid judging people by surface actions. Something seemingly harmless could set someone off for (what seems like) the stupidest and most irrational reasons ever, but when it comes down to it, you really have no idea what kind of day(s) or week(s) that person has been having. I would hope people will be able to do that with me lately. So I can just do what I can to return the favor, maybe instill some karma while I’m at it. But I can say that from first hand experience today, its not always the case, and lashing out @ said “judgee” can just make things worse in ways that you have no idea how.

Right now I feel that my self worth is, well… worthless… I hate how much I feel. I hate that so many things affect me on so many different levels. I hate when people get the wrong impression, I hate when those people are people who talk a lot too. I hate feeling this way. I hate how fast the onset is. I hate that all of a sudden I care so much. I hate that My heart is too big to write people off, I really with I could. I wish I could be numb, I wish I didn’t feel obligated to help others. I wish I knew when it wasn’t a good idea to reach out. I must be a Masochist, because I seem to burn myself over and over again, thinking that maybe it will be different. That’s why I feel crazy. Because that IS crazy. Others don’t know how to deal with me. I don’t know how to deal with myself. ‘Least that’s how it feels right now. Stupid emotions. Contempt.

The gravitational forces of peoples social situations and lifestyles are drastically strong and subconscious.

Good Thing I Am An Astronaut

I’m sick of people getting sick. I’m sick of people dying. I’m sick of all this shit hitting close to home and bringing up things that would be much better left swept under the rug. Half the time lately I’ve been waiting for that phone call from either parent: that my dad’s plane crashed. Or my mom got sick again. Terminating circumstances. I don’t like how it feels whatsoever.

Also, I find it very hard to stand when insecure people cling so vehemently to their false identity, or a false element of their identity. Faux confidence I could call it. Portraying and pushing a certain element that in reality, is just a blatant cry for validation and attention. If one carries a certain level of humility about it, it remains a modest part of someones character & life. Actions do speak louder than words, and I also fall victim to this, and I feel that i am learning to accurately speak my mind honesty, b/c if I do that, then my actions and my words and my intention will all be in sync, and that to me, creates peace within ones self.

Random thoughts for the day got distracted with logo design for a friend. Maybe I will reopen this can of worms another time. Until then I’ll just enjoy my last planet Monday of 2008.

Today consisted of a photoshoot and the realization people just sometimes – for lack of a better explanation – Suck. Not the people at the photoshoot. Not at all.
Just another reason why I am happy to be out of My “home” and looking forward to another country in 2 weeks. Perhaps its my hyper-sensitive intuition works to a fault. I notice things that your “average” (and I use the term loosely) person would not often pick up on. I feel things deeper than some. And I’m usually quick to pick up on when energy shifts in a negative light. Hurumph.

Time away is good time alone with my thoughts, a moment to step back and evaluate what I’m really doing and why I’m choosing to interact with the people that I do. Not in a negative sense, but rather just an assessment of my situation. Hopefully by the end of my stay here I will be able to come to a logical and heartfelt conclusion of my situation and be able to formulate a plan as to what to do to better my situation and hopefully those around me.

“Namaste”

…and you’ll be there…
should have known the storm was coming, when the clouds appeared…

Maybe the barometer is dropping, but something feels different. I have an interesting feel about what will transpire within the next month.
Maybe its because today 5 years ago (which I just realized) was an important day once in my life. Random circumstance, the stars aligning (or whatever hodgepodge you prefer to file it under), something for a moment changed. A kind look. An open heart. Yet only for a fleeting instant. Like a delicate snowflake landing in the palm of ones hand. You only get an instant to take in the beautiful intricacy, one of a kind, and as fast as it came, it melts away.

Cleanse: day 9…

I just glanced over at my cat, who has taken it upon herself to proclaim her domain upon my comcast internet box atop my linksys wireless router. She has thus acquired the name “Router Kitty.”
She controls the Internets, she has them
Moreover, upon her noticing my gaze in her direction, she let out a completely silent “why are you staring at me” ‘noise.’ The only reason I know this is because of the barely audible smack of her jaw opening and closing. She is an odd one. Though seemingly a bit more sane than my other cat who has inexplicably become terrified of any ceiling fan he so happens to encounter.

Day four of my cleanse… Hunger pain is really no more than they were on day one. My headaches are coming and going, though considerably less than when I first discovered my caffeine withdrawal.
This is the longest (thus far) that I have ever gone without food… I think… The only reason I say that is because when my most recent ex left slightly under 2 years ago. I went about 2 weeks consuming little to no food. (I have thought about marketing that as the “heartbreak diet” down in Hollywood, and I am still convinced that I would make a killing). This is partially a personal test to see if I have the will power to follow through with this. and more so partly to get my ass back in shape and detox from all the horrible things I’ve been doing to myself with drinking, smoking and eating like crap from time to time. Though I guess a vegetarian who is eating like crap could equate more often than not to an omnivore eating well… There are many times while in the sweet sweet company of delicious smelling food I have felt my moral fiber and strength weaken and that salad or pasta with vegan sauce looks so enticing. Luckily I have been able to abstain.

One of my best mates seems to have devised some sort of sick test for me: leaving his food in my fridge. Ass. Granted the only time I open it is to retrieve the maple syrup, but when I do I tend to eye the Hummus in there with lusty contempt. The whole “I love you, but I hate you because I cannot have you” syndrome.
I digress to my bottle of Lemonade. Which recently I have figured out that it taste almost exactly like “Russian Tea” my mom used to make for my when I was little.
If my memory serves me right, Russian Tea was a mixture of Tang, (yes, Tang) with Sugar, and Cinnamon. I can only begin to imagine the health properties it contains. *please note sarcasm*.
Upon this realization of similar tastes I was rather please to discover I now have a way of having my sweet and spicy tea but at a lesser coast to the size of my ass and my sugar intake, among other various ingredients that I probably cannot pronounce.

*New Russian Tea* ingredients 8 oz of water 2 tbsp of FRESH SQUEEZED lemon juice 2 tbsp of organic grade B maple syrup Cayenne pepper to taste directions Mix together and heat

This is a fairly simple process and if you cannot accomplish it I suggest you promptly remove yourself from the kitchen to a remote location and shoot yourself. We wouldn’t want you procreating anyway.

Back to the lemonade stand.

When life gives you lemons. You get some grade B organic maple syrup and cayenne pepper, and go on the master cleanse… I can confidently say, drinking a quart of salt water isn’t exactly the most favorable thing to do upon waking up in the morning. Chances are I’m holding back gagging as I attempt to consume this horrible liquid as fast as possible. The lemonade mixture is actually quite tasty. I’m a sucker for spicy so the pepper adds a nice kick to it.

I feel fine so far, the first day as alright too. Hunger pains seem to be beginning to subside. I have a headache though, it comes and goes but we’ll see how I fair tonight up in Lopez @ the show. I hope its warm. I already have a tendency to freeze before most would notice a change in temperature. I’m sure that with not eating I will be more easily affect by it.
The lack of caffeine is probably the most “problematic” for me. Coffee is my morning ritual. Soy lattes with powered cocoa on top are my sanity. I think the headache is a caffeine withdrawal induced one now that I stop to think about it. Gross… 9 more days, 8 after today…

Sometimes I just really want to cut all my hair off…

Until I find the motivation to recode my CSS, I’ve chosen to stick with the “poser” junglist theme. Reclamation that I do, in fact, bleed bass, and my undying appreciation for a stinky bassment in the heart of Pioneer Square that rattles the walls and beams until glasses come crashing to the floor. No one cried over spilt milk, but a shattered pint of PBR is a whole different matter. Pouring one “out for the homie” would only serve to exacerbate the situation.

T minus 2 days until the madness stops, or until it begins. Seems as if it never stops. As soon as one task is complete another one peaks out from behind the curtain. Some have been waiting, collecting dust for a while now. I’ll get to you eventually. I’ve been saying that for years. But for years I’ve been preoccupied with the interests of someone else, with the wants and needs of another aside from myself. There comes a point when you finally realize that what you’ve been doing has not been for yourself. That is just a realization. The breaking point, that is the point where you decide to do something about it. Change happens regardless, it is simply called evolution and growth when it is intentional.

Goosebumps creep across my legs. I don’t feel that cold. Perhaps it’s all the water I randomly decided to consume today. Or the fact that I have to be up in 3 hours. I should not even be up writing this right now *time stamp: 5:00AM – exactly* Woe be to me tomorrow, moreover, woe be to anyone who has to deal with me tomorrow. My edginess has been at its best (worst) lately. Unsuspecting victims are around each corner. I just need some time to re-center.

Truth be told… I really have no idea what I want right now. With anything. My life is in a constant state of flux. My sometimes maladjusted sensitivity to the constant changes in energy seem to only compound upon each other until I have become completely lost inside myself, at times for days on end.

I’ve become a patron to the caffeine god. The bubbling and sputtering of my coffee pot has become a weekly if not daily requiem for my salvation via espresso. Which a top random bouts of smoking, is hindering my teeth whitening process immensely. I’m sitting here with one leg propped up atop my desk. This has to be doing wonders for my back. Eyes starting to squint at the screen. All pointing to the signs of my needing to retire for the morning. Its 5:08AM now… I’m going to hate myself in less than 3 hours. Why the fuck am I doing this? Why is my hair still wet?
I should really put my braces back in and go to bed…