It’s hard to figure out what to do with yourself when you’re trapped in a tiny room with someone who clearly does not want you there any longer. The silence becomes deafening and the unspoken animosity being directed from one side of the room to the mattress begins to feel heavy and suffocating, pushing on my chest more and more until I can barely breathe. No amount of sinking into the bed could help me disappear any faster as I prayed for another storm to hit and cut all the power so the darkness could consume me and we could pretend to have to go to sleep. So we could pretend that there were better and more important things to do than be in each others company, though you didn’t seem to have to pretend. So we could pretend I didn’t fly across the country to see you. And so I could pretend I wasn’t fighting back tears and rejection that cut so deep it must have been visible to anyone but you.

I don’t remember you turning out the light. I don’t remember you crawling into bed or how you got to there from the chair in the first place. I remember feeling disgusting and how I could hear loudly through your thoughts that you were angry and had no interest in wrapping me up in your arms like you had done the night before. So I curled up on my side of the bed and starred at the wall until I was too exhausted from holding my breath and staying motionless that I gave into my final disappearing act.

You woke me up in the middle of the night when you pressed the back of your body into mine. You were warm and soft and I thought things might be okay. Then you woke up and left for work and I haven’t seen you since…….