While good, but partially biased advice, I find amnesia much easier said than done. A healthy fear of those who can easily flip the switch. This heart doesn’t stop beating easily, even after all the beatings, and I’ve always walked that fine line between pain and pleasure. One slip, one trip, one slight mistep and it’s back to the beginning. And I told my self I never wanted to feel like this again, that I’d never let anyone in like this again, that I didn’t want to end up meaning nothing to someone who meant everything. and they told me that it’s supposed to get easier each time, false pretences get you nowhere but a dead end.

It was a proverbial door in my face, a cold cut off the line. I wanted my borrowed time returned, but it was a choice and it was a gift, though now I’m second guessing my ability to discern.

And I thought you should know, even though I’m sure you don’t care. That this all seems a bit childish, a bit redundant, a little inconsiderate, and a little more hurtful, twisting a salty knife in the wound. I used to watch the sun rise and set in your name, anxiously await the sound of your voice on the line. We shared stories of dreams, hopes and aspirations until too late became too early, and then it was all too late. And I know you don’t like letting go of control… get in, get up, get out, its the name of the game.

It probably feels good in some way to know you meant so much to someone, as you watch them hurt, and you stoke the fire because you think you’re a heartbreaker. But I’m not feeling as much as I probably should, I’m not crying as much as I thought I would. I’m just trying not to crash in the rain, and even these keels because I’m just a little wary of those wolves.

I resent you for saying you cared. For making everything my fault. For making me responsible for the downfall, and claiming the success. For loving me with lies that never meant anything all the way to the end. But we can just pretend it all never happened, right? If you throw enough ignorance among other things at the problems they just ‘go away’

And it doesn’t mean they aren’t there. And it doesn’t mean they hurt less.
They’re just scars you can’t see.