It’s a bit surreal… It’s very surreal. Ignorance is not bliss, mind you. So pull your head out of your ass and start acting the part. Please and thank you.
The only reaction I can incite is anger, and I’d rather not….

Told you it was something about spring time… Something about growth, separation, regeneration, shedding skin, keeping ties, reorganizing the external and internal into a symbiotic synchronicity.

My family is not perfect, far from it. Not quintessential. But it was my norm, the ideology that I grew up with, the corner stone of my morality, guidance and support. I grew up with a mother, a father, a brother and two cats all under the same roof. Naturally everyone fights; at times our home was rife with discord and tension. But nonetheless we all loved and had each other when everything else around was falling apart. I formed my theories and ideas of family around this: A house with a mortgage, two cars, some pets, material provisions, support, and home cooked meals. The occasional remodel and not having to move all the time. Roots.

Sometimes I was convinced I was adopted, other times I convinced my brother he was. He bit me, I hit him back harder; he broke my toys, I stole his. He liked power rangers so I dressed up as one. I liked to play dress up so he let me paint his face. We got locked in the playroom until we could get along (read: until we both agreed to shut the fuck up long enough to get out so we wouldn’t have to stare at each other any longer). We went to Disney world, I stepped in a red ant farm, and he was terrified of Chip & Dale – Naturally. Dad went skiing, mom gardened. Dad carried a bottle of crown in his gym bag, mom had prescriptions in her nightstand. I got sent away to grow up faster, my brother got coddled to grow up slower. Everyone gets along, everyone fights.

I remember at times wishing my parents would get divorced so they’d stop fighting, but I didn’t envy my friends having to pick sides and houses when all they wanted was everyone all at once. And when it came down to it, I was glad we were the minority. Together. I remember the dent in the kitchen floor from a rocks glass, that is still there. A faint reminder of the shit-show that apparently is still ever present.

I support the quest for happiness, the endeavor of the individual, the inward journey that everyone has to take at one point or another, constantly or occasionally. But when the foundation for the majority of my life rocks, and falls at all once, the very core is shaken. Now apparently starts the beginning of a massive paradigm shift. Divorce. The word cuts like a knife. Immediate shut down. Finite. Done. An end. We always new the move out prior had no permanence. Dad got a house across the way. Everyone needs space. But surely time apart makes the heart grow fonder, or so we ignorantly want to believe. The only constant in my life is no longer. Physical, mental, & emotional readjustment. No one to be mad at, no point. “This sucks,” is the only thing that comes to mind…

The translation into my own life is weighted and strong, don’t let this affect you and who you are. Holidays, weddings, anniversaries.. it was almost 29 years. What about now, what about moving/life/money, what about, what if, what now. “Everything that was important is falling apart” – when he said those words, my heart broke into a thousand pieces. That he feels like a failure. Always wanting to fix it, I could never figure out how, and I suppose this is the moment where I must admit final defeat & surrender to where the cards have fallen. Separate the deck and stop the game. I guess we all have to admit, understand that it’s not working. Stubborn personalities never like to admit defeat. Waning dedication & commitment. Just seems like the normal course of things, now I question if everything I know is wrong, but don’t let this affect you. And the burning question of “what now”…

I remember how happy I was in London. Pathetic dribble and dull monotony no more. I will welcome the hellish Heathrow with open arms, and then get the fuck into the city as soon as I can.