Your words echo in my head, rip at my heart, and its no use to try to say anything anymore. Breaking breaking broken, so I’ll stand outside your door, because you wont let me in and I dont want to go.

Oh thats right, you’ve not asked. No repsonse to my email from last night, could have deleted it for all I know… Happy? No, not really. Why? Lot’s of reasons, none that you care to ask about. Or help seek solution to. I’ve exhausted all my resources and options, and here I am, same spot that I was before. Do I like have “those talks”? Fuck no. Did I think it would help? Hopefully. Easy solutions seem so hard, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why… If you have time to banter with other people and respond online, and reply to txts so on and so forth, why is it so god damn hard for you to take 15 seconds of your busy schedule to ask about me. I’m just as present as anyone else.

I. Want. To. Feel. Wanted. It is honestly that simple. There is no ambiguosity within that statement; no obscure meaning hidden within its depths. An ever shortening acceptable vocabulary that I’m allowed to use. An undeterminded amount of time for your arrival. Numb. I miss my friend… I miss having someone who cared about the trivial shit in my life, who asked about it, who wanted to know about it. I miss having someone repsond to my emails, ask me about me, and not be so egocentric – always telling me about them. Breaking breaking broken heart. Pain makes you stronger right? This is pathetic, I am pathetic.

I am… hanging on because… I hope it will get better, but there are no signs of it. A catalyst for the whole is the coming week, and the past month. My utter stressing of the fact that it is VITALLY important for me and us that I know of a plan to see you next. And have you don’t anything to assure my comfort on that level. No. You are not an expense to me, flights and other financial investments of this relationship are the same as paying off my car, or student loans, or buying groceries, there isn’t anything extra, I do it because it is a neccesity, and I don’t think twice about it. It’s just as important as car insurance, of flyers, or paint. And the lack of effort on your part makes me feel like I don’t matter, the blantant disregard for how important seeing you is to me cuts deep. It’s not that difficult to make plans, to buy a ticket, to make the effort. Fuck, you’re putting Go’s ticket in your pocket, but I’m not important enough to make that kind of investment… TRY HARDER. Please. Or just tell me you don’t have the want/desire/drive/motivation/emotioanl investment to do it. If you don’t care then don’t… just stop making excuses and be real with yourself so you can be real with me…

I dont know why I try anymore. I dont know what I keep doing wrong. I certainly don’t do anything right except for help with homework, and I do it for 50% the wrong reasons anyway… because its attention. Faux appreciation. I am so sick of crying myself to sleep. You feel like you have these talks all the time, well I cry myself to sleep all the time.

I am not a priority. This isn’t going to work when you’re my priority and I’m your option. I… I don’t feel like you care enough to try hard enough. you’re happy to list all the reason in detail about how you’re going to fuck it up, and then you’re off. Doing just that. I dont know how I can prove anymore that I care and that I’m trying, but nothing makes a difference. I dont believe you will follow through, because you can’t even follow through with yourself. you avoid doing things that you know are good for you, so why on earth would you even be able to devote time for me… I’m stupid to think… anything.. expectations are shit.

I battle constantly with trying to give you enough attention so you wont look elsewhere for it, but I seem to be in a constant struggle with vying for your attention against online moms… random people. Ambien. I flip, I jump, I run circles, and I can’t seem to get more than one word answers. I’m hurt. I’m sad. I’m frustrated. I’m angry. I don’t feel good enough. I don’t feel important. I don’t feel… like you care. Because you say you do, but you don’t show it.

I’m back where I started, alone, wondering why I ever thought to deviate in the first place. You said you’d be stupid to fuck this up, that you’d lose me if you didn’t fly. Well, what’s changed. I’m like a puppy on a leash, I don’t stray and I come when you call. You don’t love me… I’m just helpful, and useful. I’m not angry. I just… I didn’t think I’d be able to go through this again, and here I am. trying to figure out if I can deal with this… You were scared, and I fought for it, I pushed and the only reason was because I saw potential, and here I am slapped in the face because you can’t even make my concerns a conscious decision… I only fight because I believed that there was something more to this… But I’m broken again.

And I can’t do this anymore because all I do is give and I guess I am the type of girl that you just fuck and leave on the floor. At least emotionally… Because I dont feel like I have anything else and I just use myself to give to you, and in doing so I just hope that maybe you’ll… SHOW that you appreciate me. But you’re numb, your stupid fucking drugs make it so you can’t feel anything. And maybe if I took them too we’d be two peas in a pod. We’d be fine, and perfect, and not feeling a thing. But I’d rather be alive and feel anxious and feel like I’m going to die and be scared and be happy and be sad, rather than hiding from it. I’d rather be extreme than placid. Random than boring.

But nothing I do seems good enough and I’m not angry at you for it, it just makes me hate me…

I got everything I need to do today done before 1pm… Now I’m sitting here and the clock is nearing 4 and I’m wondering what the fuck to do with myself. Maybe go get stuck in traffic. I’m bored with having one sided conversations laced with the occasional one word to one sentence response. It’s really getting on my nerves. I’ll just fuck off until you have someone to say I suppose. Otherwise I feel like a nagging cunt. And no one likes that…

For a while I was always invited to work on projects, it seemed something that was a mutual interest and of mutual benefit to boot. But now I sense that slow and steadily fading away, I’m either a hassle or without benefit or something. Perhaps I have this fear that most are just using me for something. After that, thats been a theme, innit? My previous relationship, my previous “best friend” (which I don’t use the term anymore, “best” friend just is odd terminology anyhow – and apparently rather meaningless) and not to mention the housemate from hell. Hardly what I would call symobiotic and mutually beneficial relationships. But I digress. Point is, I dont feel that wanted sometimes. And it sucks.

As trivial as it sounds – and here goes nothing – you don’t post on my facebook at all anymore, nor comment on anything I post on yours (I reckon this last time was a fluke of some sort), you don’t respond to my emails hardly ever, nor a text message when it seems like you’d always been the one instigating all that in the past. You only call when you’re driving and you only ever drive 10 minutes away most of the time, so I get a good 5 minutes on the phone some days. You rarely say I love you, only after I’ve said it first. But I’m not going to mention any of this to you, becasue I’ve said it once and it doesn’t bear repeating. I’ve said my piece and am relenquishing the need to beat a dead horse. So I’ll spill it here, elsewhere, and your wandering eyes will or wont find it eventually.

I should draw in the sketch book he got me, but I’m sure it will just turn out shit… I dont want to ruin it by fucking up the first page… sort of a thing I have… I dont want to start any projects that I’ll have to pick up and move in the next week. I’ve already got loads of unfinished projects lying around. I want to drive somewhere, but I can’t be aimlessly driving about when I’m trying to save money… fucked… hooves. Plain and simple.

I open this up and wish I could express how I’m feeling lately. But every time I try to put something in to words, it never comes out right. What do I have to do? Because nothing seems to be working…

Actions may speak louder than words, but when words are all you have they cut deep.
“you dont care how I feel?”
“When it comes to my friends that directly impact me, no i do not.”

Why does this feel all too familiar sometimes…
I feel as if I have to put on a display of epic proportions at times to garner any sort of attention, unless I’m needed for something. Ever closer to the door, holding breath and holding out. Feeling as if it’s as elusive and everlong as it has ever been.
I love. I love, not because I need to, but because I want to. People seem to have such a hard time distinguishing the difference between those two. Pushing the envelope will only you get you so far. You can only bite the hand that feeds you so much.
I admire people for not being alike, for being true to themselves and speaking their minds. I aspire to keep myself true to my soul and my individuality that is simply by being me. With this admiration comes the understanding that no two people are (hopefully) alike. Ergo, no two people will react to any situation the same. With an open mind and awareness you can observe and digest these different scenarios, internalize them and conclude whether they are fact or fiction, and chose to keep or let go. Having nothing to lose and everything to gain. What harm came come from a new perspective, absolutely nothing. You still have the creative license and right to maintain your previous thoughts and opinions or now the gained ability to alter and expand.
Pride is an evil passion; spawned of insecurity and fuel by fear. The hardest critic we have to face is ourselves, the most difficult task we’ll ever have to undertake is to look inside and acknowledge what we’re really feeling…

Music overtakes me and I drift off into a sea of oblivion… I need to be alone…

My brain started going a million miles an hour last night and I was up till 2 in the morning last night trying to get everything out before I lost my train of thought. Some people know I’m a astronomy/philosophy/science dork and I think discovery channel is the best thing since the cats. (this bounces are A LOT, sorry if you can’t follow, you might have to read it a few times) Currently I am perched in my stairwell because this is the only place I get decent internet reception from the neighbors (Thanks, whoever you are!)

The big bang theory (aside from creationism, the main theory (and scientific theory) on how our universe was created. Then to accompany that there is also the quantum theory of the “big-bounce” (read about it here). Basically the Big-Bounce theory insinuates that the universe was created through the big bang, the universe starts expanding at an exponential rate for billions of years (Laymen’s Terms: the raisin bread baking theory, Look it up, I can’t find my book). Gradually the universe’s expansion slows, and slows until it stops, THEN, it starts to contract, slowly at first, then faster and faster, with billions of galaxies hurtling at one another at an unthinkable speed when the universe finally “comes together” colliding in mass chaos this creates another “big bang.” and *poof* we start all over again and it happens in another however-many billion years (Like a yo-yo almost).. The Big Bounce theory is that this will happen infinitely.

If you think about it (we’ll exclude how life was created in the first place) which each subsequent “bang” there must have been some microorganism from which life has to spawn. [You could, however, think that with each “bang” life just starts over from the very beginning of time, but in some ways that is the definition of insanity. But I’ll get to that later].

So, MY theory (and it’s mine b/c I’ve never read, heard, seen it before) is as follows. So, we (obviously) evolve over the course of this particular universe’s lifetime, via adaptation/evolution (cloning, scientific manipulation, what have you). So if with each episode of the universe we keep spawning from a more and more evolved organism, we actually might be making some progress at a faster rate in regards to evolution.
OR (Another random tangent of thought) we could start each evolution process from some extreme organism such as a exteremomophiles (noted: hyperthermophiles, barophile, lithoautotroph, & endolith) or something such as the prehistoric sharks that have been found on the ocean floor un-evolved for millions of years. In that case, in which these organisms have hardly evolved over the course of this universe… we’re, bluntly so-to-speak, fucked.

BUT, if this is NOT the case, then we evolve more and more each time the universe contracts and starts over, and since there is basically no such thing as de-evolution (only adaptation for survival) we get a “head start” with each passing big bang.
Now here is where it starts to get weird, if it hasn’t already…. If this is true (that we change with each episode) it seems likely that we are NOT apt to make the same mistakes again (basically, to have a the universe be stuck on repeat like a broken record). This really all depends on if the big-bounce theory is correct (but we’ll really never know. Because, if in the even that we DO figure it out, that the space is contracting and the world will end in a catastrophic BANG, all information documenting it will be destroyed, duh).

Upon thinking about this more, maybe this is possibly where the idea of reincarnation comes from (I don’t know how or why, but it some way it makes sense in my head damnit). If we’re all basically “recycled” atoms and other various particles from the previous universe, a chemical/anatomic make up of something prior, in some wacky way that could possibly explain deja vu and the whole feeling of “I’ve been here before.” (THOUGH – that would mean that we would have to life each life the same as before, maybe you don’t only live once).

Entertain the idea, that maybe you are able to tap into that “memory bank”/electrical impulse/DNA/instinct, whatever you want to call it. You could be (POSSIBLY) able to alter your life plan and live differently each time. This could account for dreams & visions of past lives. as a plant/animal/rock/sentient being/ or another human. If this could be correct, essentially we all are a part of each other. This could be an explanation of a certain energy of people to feel such an interconnectedness with all living and non-living things & as well as the universe; because we’ve all collided and separated millions if not billions of times prior throughout light years of space for eternity. [also to be duely noted, astrobiology, the study of microbial life on other planets and its commonality due to extremophiles, Rare earth hypothesis is interesting too]

That basically is a more spiritual (or just crazy) take on it because certainly not everyone (at all) feels connected to everything in some way. It would be quite an amazing concept to wrap your head around if your entire body, your entire essence is composed of a a piece of everything in this entire universe. And yes, I’m not retarded, there are these things called Atoms… and yes scientifically we are all a part of each other and everything via atom particles. But beyond that, possibly smaller particles than that which make up atoms or make up the parts which make up atoms.

Now, if we don’t kill ourselves in the process of using the Large Hadron Collider for particle acceleration maybe one day we can break down life to an even more raw from than the atom. For all I know this could be the epiphany for life. To the naked ear it sounds fucking crazy and I’m not a scientist so I have virtually nothing to back this up. Maybe someone has already proven me wrong, or testing any of these theories would take decades if not thousands of years so its not like I am going to be around to see the results. Either way its just my non linear thinking.

(And now, even more eccentric thinking) So, if we DO relive each cycle as same as the last, and DO build a particle accelerator each time, what if the Big Bang Theory is just a malfunction of the particle accelerator creating a black saturn? THIS could stop the universe from infinitely expanding, make it slow down, stop, and begin to contract. Since a black saturn is an black hole that is reinforce by a saturn like ring (thus the term: Black Saturn) which makes it virtually indestructible it would swallow the entire universe… [unless of course the Hawking’s Radiation theory, by Mr. Steven Hawking himself, is correct: which entertains the idea that a black whole can just evaporate without causing harm, but to my knowledge this theory doesn’t account for the creation of black saturns…]

At the “end” of the universe (what exactly would that look like anyway? I’ve always pictured it’d be a white dimensionless space, like that room in Willy Wonka when they try to transport themselves from one part of the lab to the other. Just White, but black would be more logical since it is the absence of light and color…) Anywho, at the “end” of the universe, it would (logically) implode on itself with such a great force as to create, once again, the big bang. So much energy (the whole universe) in one place would seemingly erupt into some sort of extreme super nova unlike anything we’ve ever seen before creating the universe as we know it… again. And with this.. you just rinse and repeat.

NOW, we have some philosophy coming into the mix here, the theories of determinism vs. free will. The big-bounce theory would correspond with the theory of determinism [see hard determinism] (one of the pioneering philosophers of this theory was Immanuel Kant), meaning: our lives are all pre-determined for us (thus stating – which I don’t agree with – we shouldn’t have to take responsibility for anything, but thats a whole other can of worms I wont go into today) therefor we are destined to experience the big-bounce theory by creation of the Large Hadron Collider (Particle acceleration) and that would just be the way it is, nothing we could do about it.

The other side of that theory is the theory of free will [see: incompatablism/moral responsibility], this would go along with the idea that WE create our own destiny, back to the idea of possibly remembering past lives, deja vu, and being able to alter our life with each passing episode. I personally fall more along the lines of a compatablist, entertaining the idea that quite possibly things, people and events happen for a reason, and there are certain events, places, people and experiences that you are destine to go through and you WILL go through, but how you get there is your choice & the decisions that you make. (Awareness).

Then again, maybe we can all just accept that we know nothing about everything and work on treating each other and this life with respect. God knows we haven’t even been able (as a general society/species) to accomplish even that. A transcendental and symbiotic relationship with life is so simple yet so damn difficult for us as a whole to grasp let alone accomplish. Utopian Anarchy is impossible. All you can ask for is to be surrounded by loving, honest, & positive like-minded beings who inspire you to create yourself and grow in a direction that is positive for you & everyone that you come in contact with in this life.

What makes us continually try? Something innate in our personality type that keeps the both of us persuing a (lost?) cause. “I’m bad for you” they say, followed up by “you don’t deserve me,” yet another excuse. We’re not here because there is no other option, we’re here because we want to be, because we choose to be, we chose you. So get over the fact that you don’t think your worth it and man up to the privledge that you have come across. We know our worth, we know what we deserve, and we both know we’re really not getting it either, but for some reason we stay. Not because of a need to be with someone, or be entertained, or to avoid being alone. It’s a conscious choice. So make your choice conscious too… I love you therefor I will DO, I will not try, I will do.

I’m on the brink, on the fence, I am atonamous and self sufficient. I need to start putting more energy back into myself, because that way I will get energy back too. To maintain my wholeness and happiness is paramount because that way, regardless of what happens I will be able to stay the course and remain a whole and seperate entity from anyone and anything around me. I’m all too willing to bend over backwards for even a glimpse of attention, a hint of praise, a whisper of recognition.

If you do this, then I’ll do that. Bullshit. I did this, and there was no that. So now I’m left with my unmet compromise, empty handed and alone in my own space. Like an idiot. If you get your own place, I’ll visit you… cant really help but see the blazing inaccuracy in that statement.

shit… or get off the pot, please. I love you, but I need something stronger. If that is something you’re able to provide than this can work. I will be steadfast, I will be loyal, I will be supportive and kind, I will be the best thing that ever happened to you. If not, I love you and I wish you the best. But I cannot give any more in this condition. I want to, and I keep trying to, and It’s starting to take away every part of me again, and I cannot consciously continue down that road.

I close my eyes on the dance floor and forget about you…
So what do you want and what are you thinking? Isn’t it about time you stuck up for me?
But what you can’t see is we’re under siege, and I only fight because I believe…
This time baby, I’ll be bulletproof…

A Circ De Soleil class act, but only kept on the bench. So this is the feeling. Remote, instatiable, unrecogonizable. Everyone extention of my being… invisible.