(Because you’re supposed to use ‘I feel’ statements, right?) that my feelings have been hurt a lot lately. That 50% of what I say goes in one ear and out the other. That how I feel means nothing and is overlooked because… I dont know… I feel quazi-rejected, inadvertantly pushed aside, and it always seems to be the times when I am opening myself up the most, at my most vulernable moments. I feel that the harder I try, the father I am pushed away. The more I open up, the more I am ignored. The more I try to grow and learn in tandem, the more I end up alone. And I can even begin to explain how horrible that makes me feel and how much it hurts. And when I try to say something, it’s not important enough to be acknowledged. I don’t want any presents, I don’t want any I love you’s, I just want the little things… back.

Yes you talk to me all the time, we talk all the time, and I am in no way denying that. And I love it. But do you listen to me… is the question… Do you take interest and ask questions if it doesnt involve work or me being irritated with something… I feel like I have to offer up everything because it’s never asked about, to just dump myself out on the floor infront of you and let you pick and chose which pieces to pay mind to and notate. So I’m left here. Open. On the floor. I would like to think that I am an interesting person enough to warrant some attention to detail. If I am incorrect in this assumption please let me know…

I recall the reason I get annoying and bored with just about anyone, is self absorption, so maybe I too am being selfish, but right now this is how I feel and it is valid and mine. I own it, and maybe I’m just fucking off inside this little head of mine…

I’ve spent the entire day alone today. Took car out to the lighthouse by mine, wandered around on the beach after a good 10 minutes of trying to figure out where to park and leave my car since I was without permit on government property. Hazard signals are useful when it comes to parking illegally. Wandering around the beach with a few others, politely minding our own businesses and steering clear of each others company. The fog danced amid the trees from where I came and the tide gently massaged the rocks along the shore into their rounded shapes. Someone had attempted a drift wood fort, which was rather unsuccessful. Sadly the lighthouse was covered up for preservation construction or something that I can’t quite find the right words to explain. Whatever they do to told things to keep them standing… This and that, bits and bobs, and then the every trying experiment to hold the camera out of the car (all the while trying not to drop it when you’re going 30) and take decent photos when you have no idea whats in the frame of the view finder.

Old places. New memories. Quiet ones. Me, myself & I strolling about the water soaked grass. Back down by the tracks there were some old cars, and a few freights with “decent” photos. Nothing like the gallery that has passed by some days. I bet everyone who works at the yard takes all that amazing (some of it is really not that amazing… terrible actually) art for granted. Then off to downtown…

I’ve always wanted to go to a movie alone. It’s been on my to do list for years and years now for some reason. I have no idea why. I often find that I enjoy the solace of being by myself in large crowds of people… Though sometimes people interpret that as an open invitation to try to start a conversation and I am puzzled by that; just because someone is alone doesn’t mean they’re lonely and looking for someone to be around… and mostly likely it’s certainly not you. I’ve never seen a movie as the one I saw, the onslaught of visual stimulation was amazing and I reckon I’ll have to see it quite a few more times to be able to glean half of the information from it. Definitely a great movie to watch alone. It worked our great too because it’d apparently just been released yesterday and the theater was rammed full of people, hardly a space to sit, and if you came late, as I did, and were coupled up, as I wasn’t, you were properly fucked to get a good seat. Fortunately right smack in the center of the teared seating was a single seat situated with a petite woman on one side and a man that was compensating for her lack of mass with his on the other. This is where I sat myself, and then I watched.

I left feeling inspired and artsy. And now I’m sitting at my computer doing this, which I guess is okay because its a least some form of creative expression (or venting) depending on how you look at it. And I never know how to end these, but it’s cold in my room, so I’m going to go turn the heated up and slink back onto the sidelines.

If stupid things have the ability to happen, they will… I wonder how much a new bumper is. Reaffirmations of assumptions. I’m having a hard time drawing the line between being understanding and making exceptions… Tears obfuscate the space where clarity should reign. Or is that love? Sharing such a small space that seems eternally large. Matters of the heart have the power to encompass everything. I’m trying. I’m doing. I’m taking the brunt. Brute strength is a powerful resource or a deadly weapon. Building walls, breaking borders, waiting patiently, holding out, its supposed to rain for the next 5 days. Dont take a punch while your mouth is open. A fist hits harder than a beer can.

Stupid bitch needed the camera tonight so I wasn’t able to take it. So much for my master plan.

I have a bad habit of overlooking things that more often than not annoy me or dip slightly below my own standards… I don’t like to “complain” or “be needy” because I have the capacity to do everything that I need on my own. To give myself everything I need by myself, material and otherwise… I guess it just reaffirms that regardless of how much you give or get you still need to be able to draw most everything from within… At least I do. It’s how I’ve gotten this far and how I’ll keep going. But don’t think that I’m pushing you away, when you’re the one that I’ve kept closest…

I have cabin fever, I find myself search flights every day to random destinations… Greece, Angkor, the given locale of Baltimore, Cook Island, Tunisia, Kyoto… anywhere but here. I feel trapped. Monotony will be the death of me. I thrive with a few particular constants, but its mostly change, new, outside of my comfort zone, being vulnerable, feeling free and to my own devices… Just new…

But at the same time… I some how still feel like this …

Exclusion…

Nothing interesting happened today. I drove by a motorcade of cops on my way to the press check. Which was annoying… as it always is… At least I had beer for lunch, it helped a little… Stag to the company christmas party… OH JOY! I’ll go for a little I suppose. Show up, stand there looking smart. And probably leave shortly thereafter… 11pm on the 25th can’t come too soon.

I wish I could mute ****, it would make my life so much nicer. Must you talk so fucking loud (as well as your music) and leave every light on in your wake? Fucks sake please just… stop breathing.

Mmmmm as faulty and perfect as they come and I’m in love with every bit of it(you). Even if you are out running around drunk tonight <3 ♥

Listless and unaware. Back on the bench. Men have a difficult time distinguishing feelings from accusations. Can you see that I am human I am breathing I am (perhaps unfortunately) a very, moreso than most, emotionally charged creature. For the majority of my life, I have been, and at times still am, struggling to accept that, and for once, embrace it. It’s not something that I really like “dealing” with either. And I have a hard time saying that I am not sorry that you have a hard time deal with it, you being… whoever. I logically know that it is something that I should not feel sorry for, that it just is.

I cry when I am happy, I cry when I am sad, I cry when I am angry. I laugh when I am happy, I laugh when I’m sad, I laugh when I’m angry. Music makes me cry, a sunset can make my day. A smile can save my world. I have the ability to feel a wide range of emotions. And a (bad?/unlucky?) tendancy to wear my heart on my sleeve. Making me more vulnerable than most to the reactions of others, which never seem to be on the positive side of reception of ones emotions. “stop crying… you have no reason to be feeling this way.” Ending up in complete invalidation of my personal expression and basically saying that I am wrong for feeling whatever I am. Granted this is rooted deeply in myself since before I can probably remember.

I often find myself hating my sensitivity and how much I feel, as no one else seems to think that it could possibly be a good thing except for every-so-often… myself. Where does that leave me? I’m not entirely sure. Coming to the understanding of myself that I need people in my life who understand it… And now realising that they are farther and fewer in between than I had previously thought… And I hope I have found someone who can be there and at least try to understand.