It’s going to be another month before you see him again. There is no way around it, so just deal with it. You’re not that funny anymore either… so it’s probably a good idea to just let that one die without an attempt to salvage. No amount of scantily clad photos or suggestive comments will light a fire, so I suggest you probably let go of that too. There are just some things that are simply out of the question. It’s all talk, talk, talk. He’s bored, but talking to you… but bored. You were just told last night anyway that you’re too nice sometimes and wear your heart on your sleeve. Something you should work on it seems… I’m at a loss for what to tell you do to because frankly I dont know what to do myself sometimes…
Probably been one of the worst weekends I’ve had in.. oh… say… a good bit… I wish I could take ambien and forget everything too… But it sticks, and its going to take me a while to forget… typically I can handle a shitty work week, due to the solace of knowing I have someone sweet and loving to come “home” to each night and the weekend. But that hasn’t been the case at all for a little, and I’ve come so close to snapping, so many times, wondering what the fuck I’m even doing and questioning the little sanity that I stake claim to. Tear stained sheets, anxiety enough to take down a horse, and the overwhelming urge to just drive my car into the ocean. This is going to take some work, and I have no enegry left after all this.
…and I thought *I* was stubborn… (o.0)
The whole “Nevermind” or “I’ve got this” crap just sends the message that, ‘Hey! You’re too fucking stupid to understand what I’m trying to say, so Ima say fuck it and do it myself”
Win.
No can make me want to crawl under a rock the way you do darling…
***11:03***
What a fucking terrible day…
I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m hurt. I’m frustrated. I want to cry. And I also want to scream. I guess I’m doing a pretty good job of feeling all these things at once. I would really like to feel close to them, but I just never seem to find a way to. Favourites only sucks when you’re on the losing end I suppose. I’m resentful… I’m alone. Black sheep, its nothing new. It’s whatever, they’re not going to get it. I’m constantly in a state of having to prove that I’m not making “bad” or “irresponsible” decisions. Even with rationale explained, substantiated and proved, it’s still wrong and not good enough. Achievments are constantly overlooked and negative facets put under a microscope, and blown into epicly and needlessly large porportions…
I hate holidays, thanksgiving and christmas and all that [family] crap. Would have been nice to be in England and not have to celebrate it… ‘We wish you could be here’… I don’t know where I wish I could be… Reckon I’d feel just at home alone, as I would anywhere else..
I’m tired, I’m sick, I’m worn out, this distance shit is weighing heavily on me lately… Every time it gets harder and harder to go and I’d give just about anything for one minute more. It sucks. The one place I feel like I belong, could stay a while and not drift endlessly in the sea of life as I so often do, and its constantly so far away. Stay strong, don’t show weakness, don’t cry – It’s not attractive, and you want to be pretty, right?
…And then as always, I hit a brick wall, and have nothing else to say…
Earlier today sucked… ass… two people who have no issue with arguing until they’re blue in the face makes the case for a very interesting relationship… But I just remembered this and Laughed Out Loud.
The other night, I was talking to my boyfriend, and I said something rather abitrary, and randomly he takes his face, and slams it against his desk… HARD. I couldn’t even see the impact because the camera didn’t go that low… but it made a really loud *WHACK!* noise and he came back up and just stared at me… It was probably some of the funniest shit I’ve seen in a really long time. I think I said “Homework” and then he did that… he must be allergic. :p
Also…
Best. Picture. Ever ( Okay, maybe not ever but I still get a right laugh every time I see it)
Hammers to the fingers aren’t generally a good source of happiness… I just had the need to reaffirm that for myself recently. People hardly listen to anything anymore. I reckon it’s better that someone blatantly just ignore what is going on, than pretending to be attentive but really bypassing everything instead. I’m just so irritated lately that I’m not even sure how to put it into words… So I’m just going to waste away wishing I was somewhere warm…
My life is a lot of solo projects, solo adventures… I cleaned out my iPhoto tonight, deleted pictures of exes (mainly the horrid one) only keeping some for blackmail at some point or a good laugh, pictures of friends now turned foe, and senseless times of my life. In going through about 11 years in the span of an hour I noticed that most of the big things I’ve done up until this point have been created, executed and experienced by me, and only me. I’m not the type of person who needs a wing man, company is great, but I often find I can drift here or there within a matter of seconds. Leave for halfway across the country or the world upon a moments notice. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again, I’m sure. I’m proud of the accomplishments I’ve created. I’ve done a lot more than most, but I seem to keep company that does more, as a subconscious way of perhaps pushing myself to keep lusting after what inspires me, to keep pushing the envelope and breaking the box or what consists of my “norms.”
I’m fortunate enough to, as of recent, come across someone (a few actually, but one in particular) who not only inspires me to push myself, but advocates it as well. Okay, so maybe not quite galavanting across the world instantaniously. But close to it. Someone I can actually merge those desires with. It’s become a joint effort. I feel that I’ve often been held back on what I want to do in regards of seeing the world and expanding my own. But this feels different to me. Shared goals will make that easier I suppose. But I get the exact same rush of adrenaline and feeling of excitement when I think about the ‘us’ doing those kinds of things, the same feeling that I get when I’m about to set off somewhere for some reason, spur of the moment or slightly premeditated. I’ve never felt that before with someone else… I thinks its a good sign. In fact, I’m quite adimant about keeping that person. Please and thankyou.
I hate driving in the rain. It scares the christ out of me. I am pissed off that my new fucking car can’t make it up my fucking driveway. I want to finish that fucking website so maybe I’m not always the one buying a plane ticket. I dont want to write a 6 page paper. And I dont want to go play tonight anymore after all this bullshit.
“I want to come!”
“…wait, which kind…?”
“Yes!”
*smile*
Ahhh, hahaha. I love it.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Ventures East were very successful. Wedding bizniz (not mine) was eventful, and if I might be so self rightous to say, we were the best looking couple there. This is including everyone, yes… everyone.
In my defense the bouquet came flying at my face, my another option aside from catching it was to risk bodily harm/facial maming had the flowers twined with twigs come into contact with my perfect skin and dashing good looks. A risk I’m willing to take? I think not. So I saved the day for my face and caught the damn thing.
It was admirable watching him snatch the garter from mid air. I’ll ignore the fact that it was thrown in his ‘general direction’ since it was made known we arrived together. His excuse of not wanting anyone else writhing their hands up my leg is also cute, so I’ll let the whole situation fly. I was being a sappy girl, he was being a tough manly man. I’ve returned with both medals of wedding glory or cursings. The end.
Screwdrivers. I’ve discovered the magical elixer apparently. Anything with an alcohol content over 4% works for me 🙂 /:(
“Guess what?!” – “What?” – “I love you!” and then the dreaded onset of a mild panic attack thinking “oh-god-what-did-I-just-say-I-know-I-mean-it-but-what-if-its-the-end-all-freak-out-and-I-just-fucked-everything-up…-” It’s impressive the quickness with which such thought flows through your head in only moments when its instantanously inerupted by “I love you too.”
Moments when you realise you’re at your happiest are moments as such. Driving to someones random wedding looking better than most people you know will be there, with someone so amazing by your side blasting, drum and bass and acting like complete fools. I found myself slightly removed taking it all in for a brief moment. Being stuck in traffic sucks, but its a lot better with you. I sleep better next to you too.