How come I can be ready to fall asleep before 11 on a Friday night. And not be able to be in by before 12:30 on work nights? This is ridiculous.

Claustrophobia, techincally the antithesis of agoraphobia. ‘Cabin fever’. Just. Want. Out. Nothing is worse as when you’re ready, able and willing, and the means are not present. Did you hear what I said? Not lately. Shrinking back inside myself because I’m feeling like maybe I’m not interesting enough to be acknowledged. But I know thats absolute shit. Stop treating yourself like that. Just don’t.
It’s a vicious circle and I feel my ego seeping out of every pore. Slinking off. As above. So Below. Invisible. How bad do you want it? I’m feeling very invested and I’m feeling very scared because of it. How much is enough? How much is too much? Fine line, fine balance. Tight rope.
Not enough sleep. Not enough time. I need to do laundry and I suppose just stop whinging about things that are out of my control. I’m not trying to change you. I’m not trying to break you. I’m not trying to do anything but be here now. Perfect imperfections.
My thoughts are always disjointed, up here, out there, and slightly more composed on paper. I seem to constantly say the wrong thing, even I’m trying to say something else. At least I’ve been able to keep cool, impression upon myself the importance of not being able to take back what you’ve said. Just the details, the fine print needs improvement. But what would you be if you were not constantly building upon yourself. Fucking boring, thats what.

I wish I had some exciting story to retell or morsel of valuable information to impart upon anyone (if there is anyone) who reads this. But I unfortunately have commited social suicide as of recent and have been nursing larger hangovers upon my random and undocumented journeys into the ‘scene’ as my liver seems to be failing, or something. So I mostly am seated up on bed, with this laptop propped a top an upsidedown laundry basket, coding dorky internet and design crap (which I love, honestly) or talking to my boyfriend (or just sitting there with him) or… or sleeping… which is rather bullshit because even though I don’t do much I still somehow don’t get enough sleep 🙁 I’m not bitter. I’m just overly exhausted, worn out and would trade all the sushi in the world to have snuggles (thats huge, FYI)…

Anyway I’m brain dead…

I’m better in person, maybe you are too.

That conversation got depressing really quick. tell me about your love life and I’ll tell you about mine. Love love love. Risk it to get the biscuit. No way about this without sounding twaty really. I found it slightly humorus that I was getting the advice I was. Then it just got me thinking, and now I’m all blah. Best friend boy friend bestboyfriend. Really all the same thing. I’m cold. This week is going to drag on and I want a car. I think what I really want is to just lay in bed with you, and the weird little dog and watch comedy or Dexter until I can fall asleep in the crook of your arm. Yeah… that would be best right now.

DOES DESPERATE HOUSEWIVE HAVE TO BE ON THAT LOUD?! <3

admire witty people. Some days I can be one too. Other days I just fumble trying to excute a coherent sentence.
like brutally honest people.
people who can apologise when they know they’re in the wrong.

will finish this later. Maybe…

That’s right, fuck you! In the past two weeks. I have lost my PowerBook G4 (Granted is an ’04 – but aren’t Macs supposed to be the indestructible beasts?) to… to what? I actually have no idea. I was running Panther OSX and decided that I should upgrade to Tiger so I could take the new beast (MacBookPro) for a tune up since the fan or, god forbid, the hard drive makes this awful crunching noise that is progressively getting worse… so I pop in the disc in the G4, says to restart so it can reboot to install. Turns off… stays off. The battery had stopped holding a charge but that wouldn’t be the cause of an epic fail such as this. Insult to injury is that the OSX disc isn’t even mine…

So that was fucked, and this morning I go to shut the lid of the MBP and the beast began to growl something awful. to be honest it scared the christ out of me because it was dark and I had no idea what the noise was or where it was coming from. I located it. Opened the lid, and manually shut it down for the sole reason that I would have been late to work otherwise. So I’m just praying to the panda god that it decides to function semi properly upon my return.

And now, at work, with a BRAND NEW (2 weeks old) iMac. 4GB RAM 1067 MHz with a 2.66 GHz Intel Core Duo & 750GB of HD space the fucking thing froze on me (in Adobe of course) right before I could save. Behold! What is irrefutably know as the ‘spinning beach ball of doom.’

So… had to screen shot the damn image, which itself wouldn’t even save, so I had to email it to myself. What. Thee. Hell. Computer!? And as I’m about to force quit it all THEN my computer says “Performance update available.” I’m sitting here staring at my computer thinking “you son of a bitch. Couldn’t have told me when I STARTED YOU!?!” *shakes fist angrily* So i had to take the screen shot and live trace it. Which worked… but it still sucks.

Roommates iPod failed the other night too. WTF Apple? Luckily I was able to fix it, because I reign supreme. Get your shit together, kplzthnx.

Oh!
So last night, I gigged. And it was so weird. I (without an inflated ego, thankyou) felt rather famous or something for lack of a better, less pompous term. I apparently played REALLY well, which is good news, I couldn’t hear shit. But people were stopping me outside on the other side of the block saying good job and other random shit that is always nice to hear. There was a guy up front the whole of my set who resembled a Chip & Dales cowboy dancer. Not because of his looks, but the way he danced. Like Superstar meets Kandi Raver meets Justin Timberlake…. No joke. Then some old dude grabbed me and hugged me and said thanks. And a few others starred me down and/or complimented me. Success? Sure. Why not.
And the best part of the night was this short happy(read: probably high) looking guy comes up to me, says thank you, killer set, the norm. etc. And then goes “I drew a picture of you in my head because that’s what I saw in reality.” …..? I wanted to say that the music was too loud and that I misunderstood him. No, that is actually what he said. Instantly I got the image in my head of something resembling this:

or this:

But I think I prefer the first one… I said thank you? and made my way through the group of disgusting drunk people.

EVERYONE was on drugs. And I swear to god, these two girls that came up to me for “requests” were COMPLETElY underage (this isn’t a high school dance bitches) or I am getting very old… Another girl stopped me outside and was asking me about raves and DJing and high as a kite. A few people I knew as well… Thursdays are apparently the new fridays, because who needs sobriety!?
Later on the same two girls who wanted to make a request (which wasn’t anything I’d even heard of…) were giggling and eying me coyly. One nudged the other and she scooted up to me with a sheepish grin on her face and asked “Do you want to dance with me?” *Flash back to lesbian fest in Boise where every single girl at the party literally wanted to get on me (I’m not trying to be a glorified cunt here either)* I said “Sorry, I have to go soon” and feign a look of disappointment. Moments later I look over and they’re doing some form of interpretive dance up and down each others bodies…
Hyperskunk tried to perv. I wish he would get a girlfriend for more than 5 minutes so he’d leave the rest of us alone. Has tits? Check! – okay I’m into it! I don’t need/want bookings that bad. No concept of personal space or the fact that maybe a few girls out of the lot, myself included, don’t get self esteem boosts from being groped and man handled at your leisure.

Nothing else to really say we came, I played, we left, Crack-in-the-Box, home. 3.5 hours and sleep and now I’m here. The End.

Also: I notice I used a lot of parenthesis when I speak (Clearly, I feel like I have to explain and clarify things because not much of my life makes sense).

You’re holding a grudge right now… I suppose I do somewhat deserve it…

Bitter is how my green tea tastes when I let it steep too long… Or a pale ale…
I, on the other hand, am not a cup of tea or a beer, although I’d take either right about now… I am, however, feeling like crap, freezing, and would like a hug or some other sort of “humor me” sentiment to get me through until… until whenever.
Moving… I fucking hate moving… I dont want to do it. I don’t exactly even have the means to do it really either. Just makes me anxious… Can’t really find a car to borrow for the drivers test either… thats cool. Or a car to buy… thats also cool. Student loan letters came in the mail… I’m so sick of taking the bus, it probably either got me sick in the first place or is keeping me sick because everyone on it seems to be sniffling and dribbling some sort of contagious infection of symptom. Just coming in waves, run down, can’t really hack it tonight… green eyes will wake up puffy.
I hate waiting. When you can see what you want, and are only steps away but still cant reach it. It’s a helpless and frustrating feeling that has never, and will never sit well with me… pisses me off. I’m just ready to be done, settled, focused on more important things than making sure I have bus money for the morning. Which reminds me, I don’t… god damnit.

I am how I feel, I can’t be any other way. Though sometimes I think I overdo it and try to hard to make sure things are 100% perfect and in working order. It’s my nature to want to have no dischord or distress in my life or the lives of anyone around me (though sometimes by Murphy’s Law I end up doing more harm than good when seeking a resolution). And its like learning a whole new language when I learn how to communicate with another being who expresses themself in a way that at times can be far different than my own. Not impossible… just delicate.

The provisional extension of affection is one that I am just as of recent beginning to understand and translate into what makes sense, it’s the same thing… just… different. And sometimes I don’t realise that how I react to something so seemingly ‘simple’ as the willingness of said someone to help with things that need to get done, and my reaction has the potential to cut much deeper than I had earlier percieved. But at the same time, I realise that if I were to be the one in those shoes. I would feel the same sort of rejection on a very similar if not deeper level, so I am slightly perplexed at how sometimes I miss the correlation & connection of my own self and others. Espeically those closest to me. It’s not a conscious decision to be negligent of someone elses feelings, but rather an unconscious motion that I need to work better on being aware of.

“yea people sux, im sure he does too and in the long run will let you down one reason being the distance… but yea that’s just me being a “negative nancy’.”

Dearest Jake. You, my friend, can be an idiot sometimes. Sure your plan of chasing a girl halfway across the world to Germany and back didn’t fair so well, but it doesn’t automatically mean that every other long distance thing will fall into the same fate as yours. You underestimate peoples ability to want to make something work. As I was speaking to a friend in a similar position the other night he says, ‘I have to make it work, I don’t have a choice, I don’t want anyone else.” Sentiments that I strongly share. You make time for the people you care about. End of story. That’s just how it works.

On another note, I have never been this hungover in my life. It feels like a combination of swine flu, and being wrapped in a trash bag and beaten with a tube sock fill of bricks or something else to that effect. I drank saturday night. It is now MONDAY @ 4:30pm, and I still feel as if my brain is in a vice, and my stomach is being drop kicked by a thousand ewoks. Le SUCK.

Later on…
I’m listening to Orbital – Halycon & on & on through skype with my boyfriend while we’re doing web design together. I just needed to share with someone how epicly perfect my life is at this moment.

Truth be told today was just annoying dealing with idiots which attributed to it, and I hate moving. It stresses me out. I’m very ‘home base’ oriented, and if there any dischord with that. I freak out like an idiot. I’m pissy, I’m needy right now, and I just want attention and affection :\ LAME

But of course I’m not going to tell you whats really wrong at the moment, at least not now… I miss you… It’s hard & it sucks. A lot. but I’m not willingly going to divulge it and sound like a fucking sappy idiot… Only until you find it on here…