this is the most pathetic i’ve seen myself in a while. Curled up in my chair in underoos with a stuffed panda (we both look epicily wounded too), puffy-eyed with tears streaming down my face. I can’t sleep. I had to leave the room so I wouldn’t wake up my roommate with my crying.

I fucking hate this. I have to be up for work in 3 hours. I can’t stand feeling like this, I want to feel nothing. This is what you get when you let your heart win? I layed in my bed, mind racing. Like a time lapsed video of the events preceding my arrival on the east coast until now. Butterflies off the plane. Being nervous and astonishingly at ease when I found his hand in mine on the ride from DC. Laying in a hotel bed concealed by only sheets and feeling happy and so comfortable. The stupid way he leaned into me and playfully retorted “you’re weird, man.” The affinitiy for chocolate milkshakes twice the size anyone would ever want to finish. Hunting and stalking and hunting some more.

I could go on and on, but I’ll probably only serve to keep the tears going longer and I don’t see what good that will do. I’m freezing. Shaking. Feeling like I am going to lose it. And the only thought that goes through my mind is “am I not good enough?” Which I know is bullshit. But on the other hand its that gut-wrenching feeling that you’re not in control of something so personal… And I know what will happen in the morning. I don’t want to go to sleep. I will wake up, thinking to myself how horrible that nightmare was, and after a moment or two have the gut-wrenching sinking sensation of the reality settling in and realise that it wasn’t a dream…