“Failure is not realizing when you’re not doing the right thing”

This might be a very difficult thing for me to do, but in some sense (and I do feel like I’ve had some sense knocked into me tonight) I feel like its the right thing. I have goals that stretch long term, they might not be too defined, but they are there and its really fucking time that I start taking the proper steps to bring those things to fruition. I am sick of things the way they are, yes they’re not terrible, but they could be better. And I have the ability to make things better by changing things in my life. It will take stress off my relationship, I will be able to sort out my finances, I will get a car, I will get my ass back in school by some sort of means – somewhere, maybe not right away, probably not right away, but it will happen at some point. So… here goes nothing. D-day is now…

****
I’ve later come to report. D-day fail. The idiots are against us! Everyone run and stay away from Utah!

I’ve always been under the impression that you should not try to fix a camera the way you would normally break one. But in this instance, throwing my Canon Elph 850 on my apartment floor acutally fixed the fucking thing… I was reading online and in some forums what to do with the lens stops retracting, as mine so kindly did the other week. Others had suggest it banging it on a hard surface or throwing it on the floor. So… I did. And… it worked! Yay camera!

When I get bored (or even not bored) I like to arrange all the windows on my desk top like a puzzle, so they fit together all nice and neet with about 3 pixels width of distance in between each window. Sometimes I can get it to work, but other times I need to keep certain windows big and it fucks it all up…. Why don’t they have a puzzle widget for the dashboard…. I BET THEY DO! Off to find out.

“I got my mace and running shoes on” no dying only fun kplzthnku hahahaha. Weirdo

Murhpy’s Law of the Design World
Found on my RSS feeds for the day

• If you have 10 minutes to print some work before meeting your client, the printer will go out of ink.
• When the printer goes out of ink and you are in a rush, you don’t have any cartridges to replace it.
• No matter what the size of the logo is, it’s not big enough for your client.
• If your WordPress theme validates, you’ll install a plugin that breaks the validation.
• If you have a lot of work, a client you didn’t hear of for years will call you and be in a hurry.
• If you don’t make your website work in IE6 before showing it to your client, he will be using IE6.
• If you have two versions of a photo, you will send the wrong one to the printer.
• If the text consists of two words, one will be misspelled.
• Speed. Quality. Affordability.  Pick two.
• Spell checkers don’t.
• Grammar checkers don’t, either.
• Global search-and-replaces aren’t.
• If three designs are shown to a client, your least favorite will be chosen.
• If two designs are shown, a third will be requested.  If provided, then one of the first two will be chosen.
• Creative inspiration flows in inverse proportion to the distance from the studio.
• No matter how detailed the tech support FAQ is, nobody has ever heard of your problem

Have you ever had a publicly posted typo and not noticed it for hours. That happens to be me often. And I just did it… again. DAMN!

I was in the bathroom putting on eyeshadow earlier and roommate walks in. “Where are you going?”
“No where… I just feel like putting on makeup…” Strange concept. I’ve abstained from the devilish substasnce known as makeup since I started work. I’m not tryingh to impress anyone, I don’t care enough, and douchecanoe massive (aka ‘new girl’ status) as already well gone round the warehouse. I can’t wait to move into my office next week. I can hide in my little dark corner, like one of those nocturnal monkey squirrel things with the big eyes, and just mind my business, do work, and fuck around looking at my google reader (Thanks hunny).

Anyway. I think what I was getting at is that now I have to go wash my face of this make up, and it actually looks good and I’m a pretty pretty princess and no one got to see. And I bet you when I do try to do make up to go out I’ll fuck it up. Murphy’s Law…

this is the most pathetic i’ve seen myself in a while. more stupid dribble

I’m shakey, my heart is racing. As if its going to pump its way out of my chest and die on the floor in front of me. I feel like I am going to throw up… I haven’t felt this way in quite sometime. Nor have I felt the way I do about another person with such intensity in ages. I always sound like a fool with the cliche as “words do no justice.” But they do ring true.

It’s a frustrating thing to realise that anothers feelings and emotions are the one thing I do not have control over. Everything else is free will and a conscious decision. I feel misunderstood. I feel like I’m at a ‘geographical’ disadvantage (yes, again), but this time with a necessity and strong desire to remidy the situation. I may not know much about some things, but when I feel like I do, I know that it’s something worth fighting for. Risk vs. reward. Risk being, money, travel, time, emotions. Reward being an awesome guy, who will do awesome things in life with me, beacuse I am also awesome. I have a hard time accepting “it’s too far” for an answer. If you’re in, baby then I’m in…

I’m a firm believer in the statement “you make time for the things you love.” That if something or someone is worth it, you’ll try hard enough and limit a defeatest attitude and whatever negativity gets in your way… I’m also a firm believer that you love someone for their imprefections as well as their perfections. You’re stubborn and it drives me nuts, but I also love it because you’re strong in your choices and you don’t back down.

But this situation feels as if you’ve walked up to a big wall, said “I can’t get over it, fuck it” and turned around and walked back home… and it hurts because I was really hoping you’d be the guy who said “I’m not going anywhere” and actually for once, mean it. That would have been really great, and I AM (yes, still) very interested to see what we could become… Isn’t the potentail of greatness and love worth the risk over something that is only an idea hanging in the balance… Good things are worth having, great things are worth fighting for…

…Brugge…

It lowered his credit score a few points. (One credit check doesn’t do that & they can’t disclose that information, how did you find out?) That’s what they said. (No they didn’t thats illegal disclosure of information, so you’re making stuff up.) Well… that’s just what I was told. (Hah! Into a corner. Did you forget I worked as a Mortgage broker/loan officer who did credit repair for ~3 years of my life?) Well, that doesn’t matter. (I does if you’re going to keep bring up people spitting out wrong numbers and false information) You’re being decietful again. (By having conversations with other people that don’t concern you? – Explain that please…) Luckily I can (believe it or not) keep that trap of mine shut from time to time, so I played out most (all) of this converation in my head, didn’t say anything about anything and promtly removed myself from the phone.

They make me out to be this incredulous monster that is hellbent on destroying the lives of everyone around me to get what I want and shows no remorse. But I guess you believe what you want to so you sleep better at night, a bit tragic I think. Grow up please.

Just a song I happen to love

she walks through the streets unnoticed
she stares at the world unimpressed
she runs to her room to practice her magic
to see inside and to kill all the rest

As above, so below
there is no answer
you need to know
you are loved
You are loved….

There is something pleasing and calming about sitting in a busy, bustling coffee shop and being completely in your own little world. Table against the wall with my soy latte and provolone cheese croissant with ear buds in completely engulfed in Dead Snares. Today felt like it was going to be a good day from the moment I opened my eyes around 7:01am realising my roommate had made her way out the door. Passing in and out of sleep until around noon, I typically lay in bed and try to regain my composure from my dream state. I woke up awake and coherent today though, without much time. Decided that I would go to the cafe to job hunt, write, relax and whatever beatnick shit I find myself drawn to doing in a cafe.
Randomly I decided to take the elevator down to check the mail, one more thing I could sift through in the shop. While in the elevator my phone rang and I thought to myself “I bet its that job calling me back.” Intuition couldn’t have been more spot on. I assumed as she began speaking that it would call for a second interview and then she just laid it out “we would like to offer you the position.” As I fumbled for my keys I politely accepted while trying not to blurt out something along the lines of “SHIT YES I’LL ACCEPT!” And now this is why it’s weird that I took the elevator, she had asked me if I had a pen to write down the corperate address where I would be going on my first day. Stupidly, I had neglected to grab one on my way out the door. So I had to go back up to my flat to get it. If I hadn’t taken the elevator I would have been outside already, and thus to get back into mine, I have to let myself in via my phone. Clearly creating a conflict of interest. Heh. So it was a serendipitious occasion that I decided to take the elevator.
Success! I think I will still peruse through the classifieds to keep my options open should something better come along.

also: I hate when last nights makeup looks really good the next day, but you HAVE to shower, then you ruin it, and any makeup you do henceforth will just look like shit. Fucking hell.

It’s not like I’m sending a box of spiders. Get over it.

“I heard you’re dating ****.” … Well… I heard you all are stupid and misinformed, and regardless of the fact that I’m not, it’s none of your business to begin with, eh? “I have a wonderful boyfriend. Who’s not ****.” So take that. Stupids. It’s funny how I’ve not been back for barely a month, and been gone for 2 before that and everyone still has something to say. I’m not even pissed off, I think its hilarious. I’ve obtained the ability to take a 3rd person perspective on it and it’s become like my own little episode of mystery science theater 3000. Anyway, post office & the new Harry Potter movie, even though it was “sooo 2 months ago” according to roommate face. Meh.

Big ups for Phoody jail time too, Street cred dude, MASSIVE street cred. 🙂

…where I woke up too late to really do anything useful with my time. Stressed out and slightly put off by the things people have been saying (or not saying). Albeit I wasted a vast majority of sunlight, I still managed to master one of my mixes (by myself, which I’m very proud of) as well as create a interesting and somewhat cool design for it. I dont want to have to wait a month. This whole broke this is really cramping my ‘I want to see my significant other’ style or whatever you’d chose to call it. My piercings are bothering me and my side still hasn’t healed completely and is a source of constant discomfort in my life lately. This apartment doesnt get any fucking sunlight and I would just like to be able to not cringe each time I log into my online banking watching the slow depletion of my money as I wonder where I’ll be able to replenish it… Gah, someone stab me in the face please…

Its really fucking annoying, totally just shat on the fact that boyfriend might have a web development job with NASA: “its just graphic design… you only need one skill for that.” So, that is what you think of my profession? Thankyou. Quite the generalised blanket statement to apply to that career choice. I would have to not so politely disagree with you. I find it rather offensive that in one fell swooped you’ve managed to try to discredit my career choice, as well as my boyfriend, who you’re clearly jealous of. Never mind the intellectual ablilty and creativity that you have to foster to be remotely good at design. As well as even being considered for a job with NASA, in my opinion. You’re right, its not “particle physics” or “interstellar space travel”, but your naive statement of “it’s just grpahic design” indicates that you’re covering an open wound with stupid, thoughtless comments… Thanks. I apprecaite it. BE MY FRIEND, or don’t. It’s that simple…

I wake up anywhere from 11am – 1pm most days, I only leave the house to saunter up to cafe for my ritualistic 2 shot soy latte, hot or iced depending on the day. I come back to my apartment, where I seem to spend most my day on the couch or sat atop my bed as I am right now, with my laptop propped up on the nightstand as a makeshift desk. Lady love curls up next to me and my boy takes his station in the hallway leading to the bedroom, as if to protect the ladies within. I sit here in underoos, a big ‘fuck you’ to whomever I choose because I’m still getting things done without pants. I set aside a vast majority of my week for homework, and perusing the job market for anything that I would even remotely qualify for. I don’t eat until about 3 or 4 maybe later. Too lazy to eat? Does that happen? I haphazardly download discovery channel shows. Whale wars, my newest addiction… and various bands that I’ve become intrigued with. Barcelona, ironically enough, from Seattle: video of the Okinawa aquarium, the 2nd largest tank aquarium in the world (1st is in ATL, which is considerably easier to get to). Goosebumps, but its not that cold. Sunny outside. I just want to go lay in the park, but I’m committed elsewhere. Evening rolls around and I find my self not far off location-wise from where I started my day. Images of the deep sea lull me to sleep as I lay in the darkness wondering what tomorrow will bring, a brain that never turns off drifts into a surreal land of metaphorical thoughts and fears. And as the morning creeps up through the windows we rinse and repeat.

Especially right before you try to go to sleep. I just would like to know that I’m missed… or something. Fuck. I don’t know. I’m… I don’t have the energy for anything right now. I just want to curl up, I don’t need a fucking solution, I don’t need someone to “fix” anything for me, I don’t need someone to tell me what to do. I just want someone to hug me, let me vent and just tell me that they know I’ll be alright and that *I* can fix it… on my own, and that they support me. Or fucking hell… just don’t say anything. I would like a hug… that’s it.

Sometimes I wonder if my life is one big pipe dream. Full of strangely colored hair, loud music and coffee. Listless dreams that are floating gently atop reality. I’m becoming slightly unhinged, aren’t I? Maybe I’m ill tempered, ill executed. Ill. Perhaps this rendition of my life is a poorly situated sitcom mean to be soap opera. Or just a bundle of thoughts completely lost in translation from my mind to the outside world. Lulling insatiably

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah at this moment blah blah blah blah blah blah blah I’m feeling loney blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah I would like a hug blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah and would like to know I am missed… blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

“in the absence or hindrance of emotions I become all too willing to explain myself” all too willing to throw how I feel out on the line in hopes of some reciprocation of the same or some emotion. That spells needy, so I digress to anxiously sitting inside my head and distracting myself. Tipping point, one psychological reaction is to mimic that behavior, the other is to give too much. Strange strange strange.

My dreams are constantly strange, but as of late I think this one takes the cake. I was in some sort of zoo type thing that looked like it was the Baltimore aquarium, but with mammals instead of fish. We (boyfriend I think) were taking the inclined moving walkway to the next floor and there was a “petting zoo” type thing, there were some pigs and goats (I think) and there was also a VERY upset black llama with a white face and teeth that resembled that of a boar, snaggletooth with a fierceness. She was flipping out and kept trying to bite me as I got close. For some reason I figured I could be a llama whisperer and calm or down or maybe just a good kick to the face would suffice. Anyhow, at some point she started speaking English with a Russian accent. It developed into me realising that she was a blonde Russian girl who had been turned into a llama, and we needed to help her escape so I could find a way to turn her back into a human and take her back to the motherland… Llamas apparently mean strength and endurance or that you’re carrying to big of a burden. what the fuck. Who dreams of this type of shit.

I randomly happened across this blog FILLED with fascinating installation artists… Was indulging in my daily ritual of BBC.co.uk and my love for their “Day In Pictures” facet of the site when I came across Belinde De Bruyckere – googled her and found this…

Most notably in my mind

-Matthew Ritchie

-Tim Hawkinson

-Julie Rrap

-Patricia Piccinini

-Berlinde De Bruyckere

-Yayoi Kusama (Featured Below)