Lightning. Like intermittent white charcoal on a black canvas. Subtly illuminating the gentle collision through a window. The culmination of hot and cold crest into an uproar of thunder, mimicking the essence in its midst. Welcome to hot and humid inside a life of blackout curtains and air conditioning. I like chocolate, do you care for some pudding?

I’ve decided I’m crazy, long ago… I realised recently, that I have residual “rubbish” from years past that has been ever present, but symptomless until now. You cannot deal with situations until you are in them again. I’ve been avoiding them vehemently for 2+ years, until deciding that it might be a good time to learn how to swim again. I am afraid of you… I mean… you scare me…. I mean… I’m scared… I mean… I am afraid of what I remember and I’m transposing onto you… I mean… I mean… I am a mess and I hope you don’t mind… I mean… Holding hands with you is like wearing socks with toes…. I might need a little patience… He holds her close. Skin on skin is equal to or greater than the sum of both.
When you take my trust, befriend my intellect, and I open my home and mind to you, it’s not to be taken lightly. When you take my trust, shit on it, and throw it back in my face, it’s not to be taken lightly either. I don’t think you realise what you’re getting yourself into. I will make your life hell. the audacity of people amazes me, constantly. Why? I have no idea. This should be something that I’m long used to. Years (24 to be exact) of impressive behaviour, amazing driving skills, and social tact that I’ve come in to contact with have reaffirmed by belief in my lack of belief in the human race as a whole. I’m over it. While you hold on with a white knuckled gripped to everything you fear I’ll be steps ahead, going places, being busy, doing things. While you are the architects of your own demise (plural) I shall be the architect of my success and the success of those around me. I’ll make you just, push you farther than you thought you’d be able to go, and probably piss you off at some point or another, but in the name success.

I went to the ocean recently, as I stood there, I felt small. Like I always do when staring into the vast expanse of nothingness that is everything. I feel small like a grain of stand that my feet are firmly planted upon as the waves roll up dancing between my toes then retreat much more softly than they came. I feel minuscule, yet oddly empowered and alive… Revived… if you will… I find comfort in knowing that I hardly know anything. Serenity in emptiness. It’s too big to be concerned with everything so small. And looking into forever, seeing the curvature of the earth as it caresses the horizon, it reminds me that there is so much more in front of me, worth so much more than fretting and wasting energy worrying about what I have left behind. Into the sea we go.