I was dreaming last night/morning, as I so often do. And in my dream I was watching tv (Discovery Channel, I think) on a big screen TV, maybe 60″ or so. It was great! I think Blue Planet was on because I recall whales and big jelly fish floating across the screen. I think I was in my boyfriends room too, I’m pretty sure he was there next to me. Anyway, in real life, my alarm went off. I woke up, and heard myself consciously think “I’m going to hit snooze so I can go back to sleep and watch tv with my boyfriend”… and I kid you not, I did just that, I went back to sleep and the same program was on… Fucking awesome.

in most cases, compartmentalizing is a negative thing that I strive to avoid, but if I could just for once, just once get a grip on these feelings that I have flying around this head of mine and segregate them to their respective time frames things would go much easier. Now is not then, that is not now, he isn’t who that guy was, and that guy is not him. And then? And then? And then? And then? No, no and then. Done. Carry on. “I really like you, a lot” No you don’t, what crap is that. is the ill formed though process that instinctively rears its ugly head. Let go. Separate. I want nothing more than to hear it and believe it without second guessing that I’m good enough, or not an inconvenience. Welcome to club fail 2 weeks and counting. I’ve never met anyone like him. And I hope I’ve not drug this long enough out that there might still be something left to salvage. Let me get lost on a thin line of hope and carried through to the night stars, the halogen lights flicker above the baseball field as the small bits of gravel stick to my hands and legs nestled into the astro-turf on the pitchers mound. A kitten, a puppy, dodge ball. Dodge this. I’m a good shot. Hip hop and bassline flowed through the air from blown computer speakers that were situated in a shopping cart next to a mac laptop. The night smelled of sweat and rubber. Cool enough to provide relief from the hot hot summer day. We basked in the street lights casting shadows that trailed off into the darkness behind. War stories of growing up, times purposely forgotten, camaraderie & strength. A past full of darkness isn’t as bad when you’re standing in light. “Thank you.” I hate being weak. Suddenly the lights extinguished our conversation and we left the way we came.

Sweet like honey on my lips… fingertips. I haven’t cared enough to try in a very long time. Haven’t wanted to invest the time or energy into something as I do this. If ever, its now. When things come together seamlessly; it’s like we’ve known each other under these covers since long before our lips touched. Even when other things are coming apart and falling down, I’ve been able to have faith in sometime a little bit more… Decadent lover, wrap me up in cotton wool. You say the sweetest things. “I’m sorry your parents are retards.” A thousand times better than anything else. I’m a pill, a pain, and a hopeless romantic. Being appreciated is an odd sensation. Having someone see potential is comforting. Patience is a virtue which I’ve lacked with most people in my life. I’m sorry, I don’t have time for your dribble and petty nonsensical psychobabble, good day. But I could wait for a while for you. I’d even learn how to cook steak…. Gross. True story.

Fuck you. Thanks for being a dick. Have a nice life.

To whom it may concern:

Stop falling apart. It’s not attractive when I listen to the irrational and constant dribble falling from your pathetic lips. It’s rather disgusting. Life isn’t always about things going smoothly, so… shut the fuck up and deal with it, there is always an alternate route. Money isn’t everything and people who are family aren’t always family. So fuck them, and move on. And stop being so scared about liking someone, just because you had a piece of shit ex-boyfriend doesn’t mean you should (or have ANY right to) project it onto your current one. Especially since he’s actually a very sincere & genuine man. You’re ex was a twat, your boyfriend is not your ex, UNDERSTAND THIS. You’re being fucking stupid about that whole situation. Everything will be fine. When someone says mellow out, do it, you’re probably being over dramatic anyway… So you, yes you… grow up and deal with it. Please, because this is getting ridiculous.

Thanks, the management upstairs.

I was about 8 or 9, and my parents got a baby sitter to go out one night. Earlier that evening my dad promised to take me out for frozen yogurt, he promised. Well… he forgot… I went upstairs and cried under my desk, the sitter came into the room and asked me what was wrong. I told her my dad had promised to take me out for ice cream, and she says “well, promises are made to be broken.” I cried even harder and called my dad telling him what she said, he came home furious, took her home and promptly took me out to TCBY to get frozen yogurt. Because as he told me “promises aren’t made to be broken.” After all these years it’s too bad he was lying.

I’m not going anywhere- Are the words that were said. I hear you, and I believe you… I really do, and I know its sincere. But deep inside the recesses of that mind of mine, there is some element of doubt. Not because of anything you’ve done, but because of whats happened before. Same words were spoken, and the same promise was broken. And that’s why I don’t believe in promises anyone from anyone except myself. The difference between you and the last person who said that was that I wanted them to go away. Rude? No. Honest? Brutally. The person before that, just broke everything, and I wanted them to stay. Hindsight, said person is a smoldering piece of dog shit and I’m thrilled above all else that they decided to take a long trip up shits creek without a paddle and have seemed to have gotten stuck there. Good riddance you flaming bag of twat-faced monkey shit. Anyway, there is always some sort of lyrical genius who can sum up my thoughts better than I’ve ever been able to myself:

“Said woman take it slow/Things will be just fine/You and I’ll just use a little patience/Said sugar take the time/’Cause the lights are shining bright/You and I’ve got what it takes to make it”

Ghey? Yes. Awesomer? Oh yeah.

It’s not easy to leave my family behind (blood related or not), although though number of persons who I consider in that circle has shrunk substantially… But the more and more I think about it, the harder it seems to get, and as the clock counts down to D-Day I sometimes wonder if its more than I can stand. Not many people will be a phone call away any more, which I’m so often used to. Passing my spare time by comforting talks with my parents or friends, catch up on the little things, someone to call when I’m having a freak out session momentarily. A new adjustment.
Finances, or lack there of, are always a factor, how am I going to afford this, how am I going to afford that? How am I going to move the cats? How much is a moving company going to cost? Etc. etc. Even if I didn’t move, I’d be running into the same financial problems so it really doesn’t have any bearing on moving transatlantic.
Embarking on a new adventure of my own, with someone, is so fucking foreign to me as well. I sometimes feel so daft and just… blatantly stupid, as if I have no idea how to act in the given situation. I instinctively react as if I were thrown back into the gut of my previous relationship, recoiling at any sign of frustration or anger, whether it’s directed at me or not. Then on the other side of the spectrum, I recall how meek and frail I was, and feel that at times I overcompensate with a “fuck you, I will do as I please” attitude, which also gets me nowhere. When in fact, I think all I might need/want is some reassurance that I’m wanted, and for things to carry on as they normally do. I keep feeling my neurosis will overpower my sane pragmatic sensibility that I am normally able to display and posses, and drive away the person I care about.
I want to curl up in a ball and not have to put away my clothes, because I’m just going to have to pack them up in a box in a few days anyway.

Has begun… I shall be reporting my findings as they come along. I suspect I will achieve the result proposed in my verbal thesis.
**

Being up on the mountains today was a good experience, solitude yet companionship that was found in my two fellow hikers. Copious amounts of sweat, a face-plant, mountain goating up a waterfall, and some glacial run off lake swimming were the highlights of the day.
**

Sometimes its like trying to find your way in the dark. Cave diving without a flashlight… Marco polo. Confusing and trying when you attempting to not let the past get the best of you. How bad do you want it? What are you willing to risk? Questions float around in my head, but at the end of the day I’d like nothing more than to curl up under a fuzzy blanket and get some much needed snuggles, especially after an ass kicking hike as the one that was had today.

…there was a girl who was very upset and sad. She felt like nobody loved her, not even herself. Self loathing every time she looked into the mirror, only finding solace in solitude underneath the moon, comforted by long drives at night with the company of the stars. One day she met a boy who made her happy, they fell in love and lived happily ever… not completely after. She loved him very much and would do anything for this boy, but he took her for granted and tore down the world she had tried to hard to build for them. She was a different girl than she was when she met this boy, stronger and happier and more confident in herself. After a few years of this stupid relationship and a few long tumultuous and painful breakups it finally ended. People in the village around her were kind and supportive, wanting nothing more than for her to be happy and successful in life.

In the years after the boy and the girl parted ways this girl did a lot of soul searching and introspection, trying to obtain and maintain a grasp on who she really was and what she really wanted out of life. Little by little, day by day she began to in cover the true person she way, happy and content, strong willed and determined, she didn’t let anyone walk on her anymore, she was able see the truth in others and more importantly, the truth in herself. Oddly enough as it would seem, her so called friends began to resist this positive change she was making. Taken aback by the boldness of her reemerging personality, they began to whisper and speculate the more successful she became in her life. One day, she decided she needed a change and embarked on an adventure across the see to the other side of the world! It was there that she found true peace. This little girl finally found a place where she was happy with her life, that place was inside of herself. She returned with an even strong outlook on life and realised she didn’t need to make everyone else happy to be happy, it started with her first.

With this knowledge she set in motion new plans that would take her on countless new adventures. Lucky for her, she only needed a few good friends close to her, and a few good friends she had. The people in the village began to show their true colours, and they weren’t too pretty. This hurt the girl because she thought that they would be happy for her finding her own happiness. After all, that’s all they said they ever wanted for her. With the help of her best friends she realised that they weren’t impotant anymore if they were only going to tell lies and bring her down. One day she took off into the sky. The people of the village watched and were jealous, they tried to leap and jump and take off to soar along with her, but they were weighed down by their jealously and selfishness and were not able to get their feet off the ground. Up and up she soared with her friends, and she watched as they became nothing more than dust below.

You only beget what you give

Lightning. Like intermittent white charcoal on a black canvas. Subtly illuminating the gentle collision through a window. The culmination of hot and cold crest into an uproar of thunder, mimicking the essence in its midst. Welcome to hot and humid inside a life of blackout curtains and air conditioning. I like chocolate, do you care for some pudding?

I’ve decided I’m crazy, long ago… I realised recently, that I have residual “rubbish” from years past that has been ever present, but symptomless until now. You cannot deal with situations until you are in them again. I’ve been avoiding them vehemently for 2+ years, until deciding that it might be a good time to learn how to swim again. I am afraid of you… I mean… you scare me…. I mean… I’m scared… I mean… I am afraid of what I remember and I’m transposing onto you… I mean… I mean… I am a mess and I hope you don’t mind… I mean… Holding hands with you is like wearing socks with toes…. I might need a little patience… He holds her close. Skin on skin is equal to or greater than the sum of both.
When you take my trust, befriend my intellect, and I open my home and mind to you, it’s not to be taken lightly. When you take my trust, shit on it, and throw it back in my face, it’s not to be taken lightly either. I don’t think you realise what you’re getting yourself into. I will make your life hell. the audacity of people amazes me, constantly. Why? I have no idea. This should be something that I’m long used to. Years (24 to be exact) of impressive behaviour, amazing driving skills, and social tact that I’ve come in to contact with have reaffirmed by belief in my lack of belief in the human race as a whole. I’m over it. While you hold on with a white knuckled gripped to everything you fear I’ll be steps ahead, going places, being busy, doing things. While you are the architects of your own demise (plural) I shall be the architect of my success and the success of those around me. I’ll make you just, push you farther than you thought you’d be able to go, and probably piss you off at some point or another, but in the name success.

I went to the ocean recently, as I stood there, I felt small. Like I always do when staring into the vast expanse of nothingness that is everything. I feel small like a grain of stand that my feet are firmly planted upon as the waves roll up dancing between my toes then retreat much more softly than they came. I feel minuscule, yet oddly empowered and alive… Revived… if you will… I find comfort in knowing that I hardly know anything. Serenity in emptiness. It’s too big to be concerned with everything so small. And looking into forever, seeing the curvature of the earth as it caresses the horizon, it reminds me that there is so much more in front of me, worth so much more than fretting and wasting energy worrying about what I have left behind. Into the sea we go.