This is why I try to avoid judging people by surface actions. Something seemingly harmless could set someone off for (what seems like) the stupidest and most irrational reasons ever, but when it comes down to it, you really have no idea what kind of day(s) or week(s) that person has been having. I would hope people will be able to do that with me lately. So I can just do what I can to return the favor, maybe instill some karma while I’m at it. But I can say that from first hand experience today, its not always the case, and lashing out @ said “judgee” can just make things worse in ways that you have no idea how.

Right now I feel that my self worth is, well… worthless… I hate how much I feel. I hate that so many things affect me on so many different levels. I hate when people get the wrong impression, I hate when those people are people who talk a lot too. I hate feeling this way. I hate how fast the onset is. I hate that all of a sudden I care so much. I hate that My heart is too big to write people off, I really with I could. I wish I could be numb, I wish I didn’t feel obligated to help others. I wish I knew when it wasn’t a good idea to reach out. I must be a Masochist, because I seem to burn myself over and over again, thinking that maybe it will be different. That’s why I feel crazy. Because that IS crazy. Others don’t know how to deal with me. I don’t know how to deal with myself. ‘Least that’s how it feels right now. Stupid emotions. Contempt.

The gravitational forces of peoples social situations and lifestyles are drastically strong and subconscious.

Good Thing I Am An Astronaut

I’m sick of people getting sick. I’m sick of people dying. I’m sick of all this shit hitting close to home and bringing up things that would be much better left swept under the rug. Half the time lately I’ve been waiting for that phone call from either parent: that my dad’s plane crashed. Or my mom got sick again. Terminating circumstances. I don’t like how it feels whatsoever.

Also, I find it very hard to stand when insecure people cling so vehemently to their false identity, or a false element of their identity. Faux confidence I could call it. Portraying and pushing a certain element that in reality, is just a blatant cry for validation and attention. If one carries a certain level of humility about it, it remains a modest part of someones character & life. Actions do speak louder than words, and I also fall victim to this, and I feel that i am learning to accurately speak my mind honesty, b/c if I do that, then my actions and my words and my intention will all be in sync, and that to me, creates peace within ones self.

Random thoughts for the day got distracted with logo design for a friend. Maybe I will reopen this can of worms another time. Until then I’ll just enjoy my last planet Monday of 2008.

Today consisted of a photoshoot and the realization people just sometimes – for lack of a better explanation – Suck. Not the people at the photoshoot. Not at all.
Just another reason why I am happy to be out of My “home” and looking forward to another country in 2 weeks. Perhaps its my hyper-sensitive intuition works to a fault. I notice things that your “average” (and I use the term loosely) person would not often pick up on. I feel things deeper than some. And I’m usually quick to pick up on when energy shifts in a negative light. Hurumph.

Time away is good time alone with my thoughts, a moment to step back and evaluate what I’m really doing and why I’m choosing to interact with the people that I do. Not in a negative sense, but rather just an assessment of my situation. Hopefully by the end of my stay here I will be able to come to a logical and heartfelt conclusion of my situation and be able to formulate a plan as to what to do to better my situation and hopefully those around me.

“Namaste”

…and you’ll be there…
should have known the storm was coming, when the clouds appeared…

Maybe the barometer is dropping, but something feels different. I have an interesting feel about what will transpire within the next month.
Maybe its because today 5 years ago (which I just realized) was an important day once in my life. Random circumstance, the stars aligning (or whatever hodgepodge you prefer to file it under), something for a moment changed. A kind look. An open heart. Yet only for a fleeting instant. Like a delicate snowflake landing in the palm of ones hand. You only get an instant to take in the beautiful intricacy, one of a kind, and as fast as it came, it melts away.

Cleanse: day 9…

I just glanced over at my cat, who has taken it upon herself to proclaim her domain upon my comcast internet box atop my linksys wireless router. She has thus acquired the name “Router Kitty.”
She controls the Internets, she has them
Moreover, upon her noticing my gaze in her direction, she let out a completely silent “why are you staring at me” ‘noise.’ The only reason I know this is because of the barely audible smack of her jaw opening and closing. She is an odd one. Though seemingly a bit more sane than my other cat who has inexplicably become terrified of any ceiling fan he so happens to encounter.

Day four of my cleanse… Hunger pain is really no more than they were on day one. My headaches are coming and going, though considerably less than when I first discovered my caffeine withdrawal.
This is the longest (thus far) that I have ever gone without food… I think… The only reason I say that is because when my most recent ex left slightly under 2 years ago. I went about 2 weeks consuming little to no food. (I have thought about marketing that as the “heartbreak diet” down in Hollywood, and I am still convinced that I would make a killing). This is partially a personal test to see if I have the will power to follow through with this. and more so partly to get my ass back in shape and detox from all the horrible things I’ve been doing to myself with drinking, smoking and eating like crap from time to time. Though I guess a vegetarian who is eating like crap could equate more often than not to an omnivore eating well… There are many times while in the sweet sweet company of delicious smelling food I have felt my moral fiber and strength weaken and that salad or pasta with vegan sauce looks so enticing. Luckily I have been able to abstain.

One of my best mates seems to have devised some sort of sick test for me: leaving his food in my fridge. Ass. Granted the only time I open it is to retrieve the maple syrup, but when I do I tend to eye the Hummus in there with lusty contempt. The whole “I love you, but I hate you because I cannot have you” syndrome.
I digress to my bottle of Lemonade. Which recently I have figured out that it taste almost exactly like “Russian Tea” my mom used to make for my when I was little.
If my memory serves me right, Russian Tea was a mixture of Tang, (yes, Tang) with Sugar, and Cinnamon. I can only begin to imagine the health properties it contains. *please note sarcasm*.
Upon this realization of similar tastes I was rather please to discover I now have a way of having my sweet and spicy tea but at a lesser coast to the size of my ass and my sugar intake, among other various ingredients that I probably cannot pronounce.

*New Russian Tea* ingredients 8 oz of water 2 tbsp of FRESH SQUEEZED lemon juice 2 tbsp of organic grade B maple syrup Cayenne pepper to taste directions Mix together and heat

This is a fairly simple process and if you cannot accomplish it I suggest you promptly remove yourself from the kitchen to a remote location and shoot yourself. We wouldn’t want you procreating anyway.

Back to the lemonade stand.

When life gives you lemons. You get some grade B organic maple syrup and cayenne pepper, and go on the master cleanse… I can confidently say, drinking a quart of salt water isn’t exactly the most favorable thing to do upon waking up in the morning. Chances are I’m holding back gagging as I attempt to consume this horrible liquid as fast as possible. The lemonade mixture is actually quite tasty. I’m a sucker for spicy so the pepper adds a nice kick to it.

I feel fine so far, the first day as alright too. Hunger pains seem to be beginning to subside. I have a headache though, it comes and goes but we’ll see how I fair tonight up in Lopez @ the show. I hope its warm. I already have a tendency to freeze before most would notice a change in temperature. I’m sure that with not eating I will be more easily affect by it.
The lack of caffeine is probably the most “problematic” for me. Coffee is my morning ritual. Soy lattes with powered cocoa on top are my sanity. I think the headache is a caffeine withdrawal induced one now that I stop to think about it. Gross… 9 more days, 8 after today…

Sometimes I just really want to cut all my hair off…

Until I find the motivation to recode my CSS, I’ve chosen to stick with the “poser” junglist theme. Reclamation that I do, in fact, bleed bass, and my undying appreciation for a stinky bassment in the heart of Pioneer Square that rattles the walls and beams until glasses come crashing to the floor. No one cried over spilt milk, but a shattered pint of PBR is a whole different matter. Pouring one “out for the homie” would only serve to exacerbate the situation.

T minus 2 days until the madness stops, or until it begins. Seems as if it never stops. As soon as one task is complete another one peaks out from behind the curtain. Some have been waiting, collecting dust for a while now. I’ll get to you eventually. I’ve been saying that for years. But for years I’ve been preoccupied with the interests of someone else, with the wants and needs of another aside from myself. There comes a point when you finally realize that what you’ve been doing has not been for yourself. That is just a realization. The breaking point, that is the point where you decide to do something about it. Change happens regardless, it is simply called evolution and growth when it is intentional.

Goosebumps creep across my legs. I don’t feel that cold. Perhaps it’s all the water I randomly decided to consume today. Or the fact that I have to be up in 3 hours. I should not even be up writing this right now *time stamp: 5:00AM – exactly* Woe be to me tomorrow, moreover, woe be to anyone who has to deal with me tomorrow. My edginess has been at its best (worst) lately. Unsuspecting victims are around each corner. I just need some time to re-center.

Truth be told… I really have no idea what I want right now. With anything. My life is in a constant state of flux. My sometimes maladjusted sensitivity to the constant changes in energy seem to only compound upon each other until I have become completely lost inside myself, at times for days on end.

I’ve become a patron to the caffeine god. The bubbling and sputtering of my coffee pot has become a weekly if not daily requiem for my salvation via espresso. Which a top random bouts of smoking, is hindering my teeth whitening process immensely. I’m sitting here with one leg propped up atop my desk. This has to be doing wonders for my back. Eyes starting to squint at the screen. All pointing to the signs of my needing to retire for the morning. Its 5:08AM now… I’m going to hate myself in less than 3 hours. Why the fuck am I doing this? Why is my hair still wet?
I should really put my braces back in and go to bed…